Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Nothing to say

So Ive been checking e-mail three times a day.
No news.
Supposedly the Council met Wednesday of last week.
They are Just KILLING me?!
Ha ha ha!
Yes I know Im being a drama queen......
But its the end of Tuesday and well......
How long does it take to make sure an agency knows they passed and now have Hague Accreditation renewed..........
Thursday is usually the day they do assignments over there.
So if it went through last week Our agency dir was hoping that we could be assigned day after tomorrow.
Im so upset that we once again have been given hope.
I just want a yes or no.
And I told you I was letting go?!
This isnt how you let go?
Spending all day reading e-mails
reading everyone elses blogs and leaving kind comments.
Encouraging them because, what does a prayer warrior do?!
Encourage and pray for others right?
Well I have art lesson plans to get together to teach in the DJJ.
I said I would do a painting for the auction for the Ecuador Missions group.
And someone ordered a purse.
ALL DUE.......

All I can say is:
Please be patient with me. Im expectant... I know you can only use that excuse for so long...... well I guess I must be expecting an elephant because ..... Im still waiting. And Im still emotional.
And well, God aint finished with me yet.

Under His wings,
;) wink wink

Friday, January 22, 2010

Smiley face suitcase

Yesterday I went into Gs room. Well come to think of it I did the day before too. I put on my big girl panties that morning I suppose. Like ripping off a band-aid. I just went in there and soaked in all that sweetness and love. The thought and effort that went into that little room. We didnt just paint the walls. we stripped the walls, primed them and then painted them. WHY, you ask. Well there was big grains of sand, texture, on the walls. When it was my son's room he would wake up in the morning with his knuckles raw from his hand dragging down the wall in his sleep. When you have a legally blind toddler that just started walking( last December) you just dont want that child being scuffed up all the time. I picked out colors I didnt necessarily like because, well , the room is not for me. Its for a little darlin that cant see well. ( You can go back and see the pics if youd like.)
Once Id been in there and the pain had dulled a bit I opened the closet and started plundering around. Two carseats, clothes,bedrail, changing pallet, Boxes of disposeable diapers/training pants, cloth diapers and accesories, Beech sheets, Towels puzzles, books, toys, and more toys. ( mostly hand -me - downs from my sisters) Clothes. Remember those sweet dresses I sewed up....... I had forgotten how adorable they were. How cute she would be in them. Hmmmm what else........ a BRIGHT yellow suitcase. Now I am a little embarassed. I found it at the thrift store for $1. Its an incredible name brand. WAY better than our 20-something year old tourister suitcases. But it was just dirty and BRIGHT YELLOW! If we have to check it on we will have no problem knowing where it is. SO I brought it home and speayed some cleaner on it and it looks brand new!

That suitcase is toddler-ready for 6- 8 weeks in Ecuador. Do you want to know how long that suitcase has been packed? At the very least 6 months. At the most, 10 months. We were told wed be hearing back in two weeks in March remember? When our dossier was sent.

When you were expectant did you go into the nursery and fondle the sweet little things?I did. I had washed them in dreft because I loved the smell and we have asthma and the possibility of skin allergies was high. I would hold those sweet smelling things up to my face and just soak in that smell. Unfold them and refold them just so.

So I opened the suitcase.
What was in there?
OH! The Dora towel- my friends mother sent that.(remember she loves Dora and I painted the mural in her room.......
Oh my gosh, I had forgotten the beautiful periwinkle plaid smocked dress for court day, and little white sweater with pearls sew in. Just in case.
Thirteen Gymboree outfits from my sister- brand new- matching hairbows, socks... the whole nine yards still with the packaging.
Baby soap,
bright hair elastics,
baby travel kit with shampoo, rash creme etc,
small toys tucked into cracks and crannies to disburse during stressful moments,
a few play dresses,
The RED poncho I knit with matching hat and socks,
Patton leather Mary janes, for dress up.
The softest leather slip on shoes- I cant remember their names. you know the ones that look like they are for infants not walking, I didnt know they made them for toddlers! S0 perfect for her.....

Now I think you can understand some small part of the pain I am experiencing.
We planned for HER. Not a generic child. She HAS A NAME. She has a FACE.
I wanted soft things because she has tactile sensitivities. I thought of her skin coloring when I bought and knit the special things for her.

God knows this.
He knows my heart.
Its okay for me to be in pain.
I am allowing it to hurt and know that others will still see my faith and that I am not shaken through this letting go and letting God process.
This really may not happen.
We really might have to walk away.
How can I not feel like I am abandoning her?
I had several people tell me that it wasnt her I was walking away from. It was this mess. But I still cant let that make it all feel better...... shes my sweet little G.
We just feel like we cannot start over from the very beginning with a new adoption agency, pay all the fees over again. Start from scratch. I just keep crying and begging God to make sure we know that we know that we know we are doing the right thing. If he wanted us to bring her home wouldnt he make sure it wouldnt end up where we had to spend an additional $20-30K starting over?

Thank you for being there for us.
This is hard.
Only God can fix it.
Only he can make it better.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Jesus Bring the rain.

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times

People asking me how

I Can praise You

with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy,

bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise



bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Ive listened to this song by Mercyme several times since it came out and never really heard the whole nitty-gritty message of it until yesterday. They were on the radio promoting their new CD.....
It was pouring where they were in California.
It was pouring where I was...... literally and figuratively.
Driving down the road hearing these words.
Soaking them in.
And letting go of that little piece I was trying to take back. Each and every day , gosh can I be brutally honest? Like every hour. Every second. Taking and giving. Giving and taking. Why cant I just rest in this waiting place. Why is it so hard to let it go and walk away. Just let God be God.

Do I really trust HIM.
Oh I want to.
I want to so badly.........

I had the most incredible conversation with a friend yesterday. I am sure I mentioned it in yesterdays post. I need to talk about it again. I didnt know that as soon as I hung up the phone with her my precious daughter would be calling me with more horrible news. In the conversation with "D" God was not only working in me with where Im at but PREPARING me for what lies ahead. This pain this hurt is being used as we speak to enable me to KNOW deep things. To have them in my heart- not just in my head.

To learn scripture as a child and hear the stories growing up is one thing. (Its a vital part. ) But then when we actually are using that story as a correlation in our own life......
History keeps us from making the same mistakes that others have made.
History is a voice calling out in scripture." Someone has been there and this is what it was really about." This is recorded not to be "a cute little story" about a whale actually swallowing a human being and spitting him out on the shore.... cute picture...... great little board book to read to our toddler......... but what is this story doing for me as an adult?

That story says:
God is working.
God cares.
God is real.
God is persuing us.
He created each one of us for a purpose.
He will chase you down and actually go as far as to make a whale suck you in,
youll live to tell the tale-
You are gifted, dont run from the gifts and talents, own it.
Own the pain.
Those people out there may not look like you,
may not speak your language,
they are still Gods children
living in sin- in this case
or needing unconditional love
or perhaps needing a family
and you
you my friend
were created for just this purpose!

As I want to run from the rain in my life. Just stay inside and draw the curtians. As I want to hide this pain. As a sister. As a daughter. I have to come to a place of letting go of the "safe places" in my head and be real in front of others. They have to see the real pain and the real work of God in me. Maybe they wont be so afraid of expressing their real pain and we can learn from each other and be there for each other. I have to embrace this pain. This pain and journey will not leave me where I was. Others may see me and feel sad. I had a friend comment on the picture of me on FB and here and how it didnt even look like me because I wasnt smiling. There are so many things in my life that I am laughing about and loving and smiling about...... but I needed that picture to show the deep thoughtful me. Its okay that I am not who I was. "D" and I discussed that in the end Job was restored. But she asked me about restoration and what did that mean. She knew her answer. She knew what Jobs story was saying to her. I am so glad that she could say that restoration isnt "all put together and looking like I did". Part of me died in that. God restored me , but that doesnt mean that I am the same.

That brings me to this last thought,

I am not the only one grieving about our situation.
That hurts me.
But yet that comforts me.
I am not alone.

I go to my daughters home and little Gs pics are on the fridge- a place of high importance! There is a frame on a table with a different picture of little G. She helped me a whole week get the room and mural painted just so. SHe is taking classes to be a special ed teacher and we shared so many mother /daughter times of what we were going to do once she was home with us.

I have a 20 year old son that hurts so to see his mother weep and grieve and know that he cant make it better and it makes him MAD.

The almost 16 year old son...... We just dont talk about it much. I cant tell you what its doing to him.

Our parents.

Our church family.

Our friends.

I hate that they have to watch this.

I feel so vounerable.

He loves me.
He loves P.
He loves the orphans...... my sweet little G.

He loves you......

Copy these verses if you are in one of those rainy places and I pray they will bring you comfort and encouragement. As they are me......

Hebrews 10-35-36
Phillipains 1:6
Galations 6:9
Psalm 27:13,14
1 Peter 1:6-9
2 Cor.4:8-9
psalm 103:13-14
Deuteronomy 33:27
Psalm 4:3

My father- My shepherd

A dear friend called to check on me this morning and we once again had such a beautiful conversation and bible time. She has been good to check in when prompted by the Lord and just see how Im REALLY doing.
SO I mentioned to her that I am not good at waiting.
Im not good at being patient
Im not good at being quiet.
I cant do this.
Her reply, "But you are."
SIGH......... like a big whooosh.
I glance around me. Hey, I can do it.... look at me ma no hands!!!!

After we talked it out pretty thoroughly..... ha ha!
I hung up with one assurance.
This deep fear, dread, gnawing inside my chest.
"How am I going to know what we are supposed to do?"
"How do I know Im not going to screw up?"
Just begging God,
"Please, tell me, Im trying so hard to be quiet. Im trying to be still........"
(reminded me of telling my youngest. You can sit still this long. I know you can, Ive seen it. Remember how long Sesame Street is? Thats how long we will wait. Just one Sesame Street. And we both know you can sit still and quiet that long dont we????" )

God says in His word that He loves us so much more than our earthly fathers.
As a parent we make sure our children know the rules and boundaries.
We know they try so hard.
We want them to be successful.
So we set the rules in advance.
We make sure they know what our expectations are.
If my father was good enough to make sure I knew what was expected of me,
wouldnt that lead us to believe that God, our heavenly father, would so so much more.
I am hanging on to that.
We will know.
We are his sheep....
We know His voice.
I need to relax and know He will make sure P and I know what we are supposed to do.
He is our heavenly father.
He loves us so much more than our earthly fathers. (and they were and are so good to us!)

My words may come back to haunt me.
In the beginning I said, " This isnt about adopting a child. This is about being obedient. God will have to do this."

Mind you- my mind was all on the money part.
I really thought that was what would be the issue.
But EVERYTHING has been so smooth.
Got our passports in RECORD time without paying the extra fees.
Our Immigration officer has been more than incredible.
The whole thing.... amazing.
But this red tape.
This one HUGE thing.
"This is not about adopting a child. Its about being obedient. God will have to do this."

Under His wings,

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Knitting.... and focus

Im not sure if you have been wondering what was up around our household.
Heres a post just in case you are! ha ha!
I spent a few days last week taking back things I had given God...... we know what Im talking about here dont we????? On the phone making calls, researching options. Paul came home and said "Stop. Just give it back to God and let it be. I just need some time to let things work out one way or another before we have to decide what the next step is."

So He told me to start a knitting project.
And I did.
Ive gotten 6.5 inches knit on a sweater for N for his 20th birthday. Im tiring of it already because its a knit 2 purl 2 ribbed sweater. After cables and interesting shapes for purses..... well Im getting bored. I did remember that I can knit and ride my recumbant bike at the same time. So I can burn more calories while knitting. ... double tasking......Now that I am trying to focus. Thats a good thing.

I have had my focus on G and the adoption mess too long and havent taken as good care of myself as I should. Diabetes runs in my family and I know it. Therefore I should be proactive in making sure I get exercise and eat right. Should is the word.

So in case youre wondering,
Im eating right,
riding my recumbant bike,
taking thoughts captive
Giving G back to God

Under His wings,

Monday, January 11, 2010

A life of God- worship

I was drinking my coffee. Enjoying a quiet house. and reading fellow bloggers writings. I knew a dear sister needed a word and couldnt find the verse number in my head. So I went and looked it up. Now weve talked about this before. I was given a Message version back when P was working 12 hours away for a year and a half AND I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. A very very trying time for me to say the least. This Bible and I were as Forest Gump said , " yeah, me a Jenny, we was like peas and carrots." ( I LOVE THAT Quote and say it often to my daughter. She and I ARE like peas and carrots.) Um where was I ??? Oh yeah! So that Bible and its many pieces were right within reach and didnt say what I memorized as a child but OH MY OH MY......... what a beautiful Word. I will share it at the end. ;) Am I setting the hook and reeling you in? I hope so! God continues to be faithful! He is worth of our praise no matter what! That is so beautiful isnt it?!

Many of us struggle with worrying and fretting. That is doing nothing for me sister! (except killing my stomach and giving me gray hair!) How long are we going to keep doing this? Spending valuable time dong something that gets me nowhere?! You are reading into this that I am the pot calling the kettle black right?! There is NO condemnation here. This sister has a plank in her eye. This is a safe place to be real.

But this "Adoption mess" as I call it has taught me so much. I do "capture those thoughts and hold them captive" NUMEROUS times!Let me tell you how , just in case you are like me and need a visual! Grab it by the scruff of the neck, throw it out the door and yell that its not welcome! Go ahead..... Im waiting....... do it. Now doesnt that feel better! ;) We cannot give Satan that precious time. Get your bible...... or multiple Bibles if you are like me, place them out in places to grab in a time of need. I now have them setting all around the house. Places I frequent. They used to have a shelf on the bookcase, all lined up real pretty, on the table by my bed stacked artistically. But that doesnt do anything for me . Lets pause for another visual:Thats like when I get on a frenzy and have to move paintings and stuff around to give the house a new look with the same stuff. There is a whole shed outside FULL of useful tools. But I dont want to take the time to put shoes on, stop what Im doing and walk out there and find the hammer. I just grab a hard heeled shoe and go at it. (You can laugh but its the truth. ) Many many a time I have bent a nail or dented the wall.... in my haste Id rather just do it on my own. How much time would I have saved to use the proper tools?????? God gave us His word. Life changing, living, breathing word of God. Its not doing anything for me if its not right where I can grab it when I am feeling weak or the lies start rolling in. The accuser prowling around...... he knows my weaknesses. I have to be on alert. Ready with my armor to do battle. He is not welcome!

So the verse I needed was Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (or in some texts: a single cubit to his height?)

I dont know how many times I could worry because teenager / adult son isnt in yet. How is E doing in his homeschooling? How is God going to provide to bring "little G" home? When will "little G" come home? HOW will "little G" come home? You and others have had to watch this and I tell you, it has gotten me no where real fast! Do I TRUST God? Do I trust His timing? Worrying about it will not change how its going to be. Praying about it and then leaving it in His hands will. That prayer and stepping back changes things, most importantly, it changes ME.

This is the Message for the day:

"Dont hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust- or worse!- stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where its safe from moth and rust and burglars.
It's obvious isnt it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

Then I went down to verse 30-33:
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never even seen- dont you think He will attend to you, Take pride in you, do His best for you? What I am trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who dont know God and the way he works fuss over these things, But you know both God and how He works. ;)

Steep your life in:

Dont worry about missing out.
You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and dont get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Under His wings,

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I just want to take a minute to let anyone who stumbles over here tonight that I am so thankful for the peace I have had this past week. It was so hard to go away for a week and just let everything go on without me. No e-mails, no facebook, no blog reading! But I knew that I was supposed to go away and just let it all be. It would all be here when we arrived back home safe and sound.

I was right.

During the first days of being home God was able to really show me some things and it was because I had a new perspective. It was like the scales had fallen from my eyes.

Now I dont know what God is going to do.
What we are going to do.
But its okay.
Really, I feel so much better.
I have such peace.
He loves us.
He loves "little G" and its going to be okay.

God has allowed me to e-mail with a new confidante and that has been an encouragement.
He knew I needed someone who really understood some of the hard things weve gone through this year and His timing was perfect.

I am thankful for my dear husband and family. We had some great times together this weekend and I am sad tomorrow is Monday. My daughter and her husband went out to dinner with us and we had such a great time. Then we had supper last night. P has been watching Alton Brown and we are enjoying the new recipes. I made the blueberry buckle....... again. P fried a turkey and I cubed sweet potatoes, tossed with olive oil and salt and baked in the oven. Beans and creamed corn from Mom and Dads summer garden.........

I went to church this morning by myself and was moved to tears that a family who's wife was home sick asked me to sit with them and enveloped me like I was family. God continues to sneak up and let me know Im not alone in this.

Just so thankful.

If you knew me youd know that its all God.......

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Giving G back to God


So if you read yesterday's post,

and if you were living in my head today. (be glad you arent!)

I have come to the conclusion that I need to do like we did with our other children.

We had a specific day that we stood before our church Family and had a dedication ceremony.

Well, today I am giving her back.

She is His. (she always has been!)

I have to just back away.

And each day from here on out.

I will choose to give her back.

I will choose to let Him have his way with me

have His way in my life.......

I will edit this post to add the actual dedication ceremony from our Church hymnal.

I wanted to have it here.
In my devotional.

To read and practice each day.

I have had to do this with my other children as well.

I am sure there have been times that as a parent you have had to do this very same thing.

Lord, I give this child back to you.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Finding purpose

Each of us is created for a Purpose.
Read Psalms 139.
I am a knitter and I love the thought that he uses this term, Knit together, to describe how we are formed in our mothers womb. Many things I knit are for a specific person I have in mind, and a specific purpose. I would not try to use a scarf to carry my belongings in instead of a purse?! What a crazy thought. I am not going to go the trouble of picking just the right yarn, textures, colors and gague the pattern calls for and knit up a scarf for someone that WILL NOT WEAR IT! It takes way too much time to be cast aside and not treasured. God, our heavenly father, our CREATOR. Made us, knit us together- with talents, abilities, personalities that enable us to serve a specific purpose.

It took me a LONG time to figure this out. But its this realization that fuels me to pursue a specific dream and vision. Just because we have been "called" to a certain path it does not mean that it will be easy. Why do I get it in my mind that because I KNOW this is what I am supposed to do, my husband is 101% in agreement that we think that all will be easy. Ha ha! (I have to pause and laugh at myself.)

God's word even tells us that it wont be easy.
He tells us there WILL be trials. So just get in your head.
Be forewarned.
Its gonna happen.
SO, if we know that it will be happen we need to be prepared. We need to have the foundation laid so that we can say, "Yes I knew this was going to happen. But just know its not going to shake me. Its not going to change what I know to be True. I will not doubt God. I will not doubt the calling in my life. He said it. He keeps confirming. THE END."

Okay, so back to where I started. And where Ive been for a week or so........

We are to adopt. I dont know how many. I dont know the details. But we are supposed to be doing this. Does it look like what I thought it would a year later? Absolutely not! But God knew. He has a plan. I dont know how we ended up here but He (God) goes before me. He loves me. He loves Paul. He loves "little G"........

There is passion in purpose. Find your purpose dear friend. When the going gets tough hang in there. This isnt just a little whim. I may be an artist, a knitter, but I was created to love and nurture others! Ah the sweet freedom!!!!!

If you havent already.
Take some time.
Set some goals.
Pray about what you love to do........ what you find fulfilling.
Is that calling hidden somewhere in there?
If you know what it is,
take some time to restore your strength.
Time to recommit to running the race he has set before you.
And Let us encourage one another.
In the New Testament they gathered together DAILY!

As I look at the picture of a sweet little face, with long ponytails...... as I long to hold those sweet little chubby hands. I have to pause and remember.This isnt about JUST bringing "little G" home. Its not just about the adoption. I forget at times and see that as my goal, my prize at the end of the journey.
But God is interested in the process.
The preparation for eternity!

Under His Wings,

PS And if you think about it, say a prayer or two for our little ones in Ecuador. Their orphanage is like many other organizations that depend on donations to provide for the little ones. We wont discuss the economy but they are struggling as a result. And also pray that the Childrens Council in Ecuador will look favorably on our case, our adoption agency, whatever it is that is holding up the wheels of progress....... Thank you in advance.