Smiley face suitcase

Yesterday I went into Gs room. Well come to think of it I did the day before too. I put on my big girl panties that morning I suppose. Like ripping off a band-aid. I just went in there and soaked in all that sweetness and love. The thought and effort that went into that little room. We didnt just paint the walls. we stripped the walls, primed them and then painted them. WHY, you ask. Well there was big grains of sand, texture, on the walls. When it was my son's room he would wake up in the morning with his knuckles raw from his hand dragging down the wall in his sleep. When you have a legally blind toddler that just started walking( last December) you just dont want that child being scuffed up all the time. I picked out colors I didnt necessarily like because, well , the room is not for me. Its for a little darlin that cant see well. ( You can go back and see the pics if youd like.)
Once Id been in there and the pain had dulled a bit I opened the closet and started plundering around. Two carseats, clothes,bedrail, changing pallet, Boxes of disposeable diapers/training pants, cloth diapers and accesories, Beech sheets, Towels puzzles, books, toys, and more toys. ( mostly hand -me - downs from my sisters) Clothes. Remember those sweet dresses I sewed up....... I had forgotten how adorable they were. How cute she would be in them. Hmmmm what else........ a BRIGHT yellow suitcase. Now I am a little embarassed. I found it at the thrift store for $1. Its an incredible name brand. WAY better than our 20-something year old tourister suitcases. But it was just dirty and BRIGHT YELLOW! If we have to check it on we will have no problem knowing where it is. SO I brought it home and speayed some cleaner on it and it looks brand new!

That suitcase is toddler-ready for 6- 8 weeks in Ecuador. Do you want to know how long that suitcase has been packed? At the very least 6 months. At the most, 10 months. We were told wed be hearing back in two weeks in March remember? When our dossier was sent.

When you were expectant did you go into the nursery and fondle the sweet little things?I did. I had washed them in dreft because I loved the smell and we have asthma and the possibility of skin allergies was high. I would hold those sweet smelling things up to my face and just soak in that smell. Unfold them and refold them just so.

So I opened the suitcase.
What was in there?
OH! The Dora towel- my friends mother sent that.(remember she loves Dora and I painted the mural in her room.......
Oh my gosh, I had forgotten the beautiful periwinkle plaid smocked dress for court day, and little white sweater with pearls sew in. Just in case.
Thirteen Gymboree outfits from my sister- brand new- matching hairbows, socks... the whole nine yards still with the packaging.
Baby soap,
bright hair elastics,
baby travel kit with shampoo, rash creme etc,
small toys tucked into cracks and crannies to disburse during stressful moments,
a few play dresses,
The RED poncho I knit with matching hat and socks,
Patton leather Mary janes, for dress up.
The softest leather slip on shoes- I cant remember their names. you know the ones that look like they are for infants not walking, I didnt know they made them for toddlers! S0 perfect for her.....

Now I think you can understand some small part of the pain I am experiencing.
We planned for HER. Not a generic child. She HAS A NAME. She has a FACE.
I wanted soft things because she has tactile sensitivities. I thought of her skin coloring when I bought and knit the special things for her.

God knows this.
He knows my heart.
Its okay for me to be in pain.
I am allowing it to hurt and know that others will still see my faith and that I am not shaken through this letting go and letting God process.
This really may not happen.
We really might have to walk away.
How can I not feel like I am abandoning her?
I had several people tell me that it wasnt her I was walking away from. It was this mess. But I still cant let that make it all feel better...... shes my sweet little G.
We just feel like we cannot start over from the very beginning with a new adoption agency, pay all the fees over again. Start from scratch. I just keep crying and begging God to make sure we know that we know that we know we are doing the right thing. If he wanted us to bring her home wouldnt he make sure it wouldnt end up where we had to spend an additional $20-30K starting over?

Thank you for being there for us.
This is hard.
This HURTS.
Only God can fix it.
Only he can make it better.

Jesus Bring the rain.

"Bring The Rain"



I can count a million times

People asking me how

I Can praise You

with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy,

bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise

You

Jesus,

bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty
-Mercyme







Ive listened to this song by Mercyme several times since it came out and never really heard the whole nitty-gritty message of it until yesterday. They were on the radio promoting their new CD.....
It was pouring where they were in California.
It was pouring where I was...... literally and figuratively.
Driving down the road hearing these words.
Soaking them in.
And letting go of that little piece I was trying to take back. Each and every day , gosh can I be brutally honest? Like every hour. Every second. Taking and giving. Giving and taking. Why cant I just rest in this waiting place. Why is it so hard to let it go and walk away. Just let God be God.

Do I really trust HIM.
Oh I want to.
I want to so badly.........

I had the most incredible conversation with a friend yesterday. I am sure I mentioned it in yesterdays post. I need to talk about it again. I didnt know that as soon as I hung up the phone with her my precious daughter would be calling me with more horrible news. In the conversation with "D" God was not only working in me with where Im at but PREPARING me for what lies ahead. This pain this hurt is being used as we speak to enable me to KNOW deep things. To have them in my heart- not just in my head.

To learn scripture as a child and hear the stories growing up is one thing. (Its a vital part. ) But then when we actually are using that story as a correlation in our own life......
History keeps us from making the same mistakes that others have made.
History is a voice calling out in scripture." Someone has been there and this is what it was really about." This is recorded not to be "a cute little story" about a whale actually swallowing a human being and spitting him out on the shore.... cute picture...... great little board book to read to our toddler......... but what is this story doing for me as an adult?

That story says:
God is working.
God cares.
God is real.
God is persuing us.
He created each one of us for a purpose.
He will chase you down and actually go as far as to make a whale suck you in,
youll live to tell the tale-
You are gifted, dont run from the gifts and talents, own it.
Own the pain.
Those people out there may not look like you,
may not speak your language,
they are still Gods children
living in sin- in this case
or needing unconditional love
or perhaps needing a family
and you
you my friend
were created for just this purpose!

As I want to run from the rain in my life. Just stay inside and draw the curtians. As I want to hide this pain. As a sister. As a daughter. I have to come to a place of letting go of the "safe places" in my head and be real in front of others. They have to see the real pain and the real work of God in me. Maybe they wont be so afraid of expressing their real pain and we can learn from each other and be there for each other. I have to embrace this pain. This pain and journey will not leave me where I was. Others may see me and feel sad. I had a friend comment on the picture of me on FB and here and how it didnt even look like me because I wasnt smiling. There are so many things in my life that I am laughing about and loving and smiling about...... but I needed that picture to show the deep thoughtful me. Its okay that I am not who I was. "D" and I discussed that in the end Job was restored. But she asked me about restoration and what did that mean. She knew her answer. She knew what Jobs story was saying to her. I am so glad that she could say that restoration isnt "all put together and looking like I did". Part of me died in that. God restored me , but that doesnt mean that I am the same.

That brings me to this last thought,

I am not the only one grieving about our situation.
That hurts me.
But yet that comforts me.
I am not alone.

I go to my daughters home and little Gs pics are on the fridge- a place of high importance! There is a frame on a table with a different picture of little G. She helped me a whole week get the room and mural painted just so. SHe is taking classes to be a special ed teacher and we shared so many mother /daughter times of what we were going to do once she was home with us.

I have a 20 year old son that hurts so to see his mother weep and grieve and know that he cant make it better and it makes him MAD.

The almost 16 year old son...... We just dont talk about it much. I cant tell you what its doing to him.

Our parents.

Our church family.

Our friends.

I hate that they have to watch this.

I feel so vounerable.



He loves me.
He loves P.
He loves the orphans...... my sweet little G.

He loves you......

Copy these verses if you are in one of those rainy places and I pray they will bring you comfort and encouragement. As they are me......

Hebrews 10-35-36
Phillipains 1:6
Galations 6:9
Psalm 27:13,14
Phil.4:6-7
1 Peter 1:6-9
2 Cor.4:8-9
psalm 103:13-14
Deuteronomy 33:27
Psalm 4:3

My father- My shepherd

A dear friend called to check on me this morning and we once again had such a beautiful conversation and bible time. She has been good to check in when prompted by the Lord and just see how Im REALLY doing.
SO I mentioned to her that I am not good at waiting.
Im not good at being patient
Im not good at being quiet.
I cant do this.
Her reply, "But you are."
SIGH......... like a big whooosh.
I glance around me. Hey, I can do it.... look at me ma no hands!!!!

After we talked it out pretty thoroughly..... ha ha!
I hung up with one assurance.
This deep fear, dread, gnawing inside my chest.
"How am I going to know what we are supposed to do?"
"How do I know Im not going to screw up?"
Just begging God,
"Please, tell me, Im trying so hard to be quiet. Im trying to be still........"
(reminded me of telling my youngest. You can sit still this long. I know you can, Ive seen it. Remember how long Sesame Street is? Thats how long we will wait. Just one Sesame Street. And we both know you can sit still and quiet that long dont we????" )

God says in His word that He loves us so much more than our earthly fathers.
SO......
As a parent we make sure our children know the rules and boundaries.
We know they try so hard.
We want them to be successful.
So we set the rules in advance.
We make sure they know what our expectations are.
If my father was good enough to make sure I knew what was expected of me,
wouldnt that lead us to believe that God, our heavenly father, would so so much more.
I am hanging on to that.
We will know.
We are his sheep....
We know His voice.
I need to relax and know He will make sure P and I know what we are supposed to do.
He is our heavenly father.
He loves us so much more than our earthly fathers. (and they were and are so good to us!)

My words may come back to haunt me.
In the beginning I said, " This isnt about adopting a child. This is about being obedient. God will have to do this."

Mind you- my mind was all on the money part.
I really thought that was what would be the issue.
But EVERYTHING has been so smooth.
Got our passports in RECORD time without paying the extra fees.
Our Immigration officer has been more than incredible.
The whole thing.... amazing.
But this red tape.
This one HUGE thing.
"This is not about adopting a child. Its about being obedient. God will have to do this."

Under His wings,
Anna

Knitting.... and focus

Im not sure if you have been wondering what was up around our household.
Heres a post just in case you are! ha ha!
I spent a few days last week taking back things I had given God...... we know what Im talking about here dont we????? On the phone making calls, researching options. Paul came home and said "Stop. Just give it back to God and let it be. I just need some time to let things work out one way or another before we have to decide what the next step is."

So He told me to start a knitting project.
And I did.
Ive gotten 6.5 inches knit on a sweater for N for his 20th birthday. Im tiring of it already because its a knit 2 purl 2 ribbed sweater. After cables and interesting shapes for purses..... well Im getting bored. I did remember that I can knit and ride my recumbant bike at the same time. So I can burn more calories while knitting. ... double tasking......Now that I am trying to focus. Thats a good thing.

I have had my focus on G and the adoption mess too long and havent taken as good care of myself as I should. Diabetes runs in my family and I know it. Therefore I should be proactive in making sure I get exercise and eat right. Should is the word.

So in case youre wondering,
Im eating right,
knitting
riding my recumbant bike,
knitting
taking thoughts captive
knitting
Giving G back to God
Knitting.........


Under His wings,
Anna

A life of God- worship

I was drinking my coffee. Enjoying a quiet house. and reading fellow bloggers writings. I knew a dear sister needed a word and couldnt find the verse number in my head. So I went and looked it up. Now weve talked about this before. I was given a Message version back when P was working 12 hours away for a year and a half AND I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. A very very trying time for me to say the least. This Bible and I were as Forest Gump said , " yeah, me a Jenny, we was like peas and carrots." ( I LOVE THAT Quote and say it often to my daughter. She and I ARE like peas and carrots.) Um where was I ??? Oh yeah! So that Bible and its many pieces were right within reach and didnt say what I memorized as a child but OH MY OH MY......... what a beautiful Word. I will share it at the end. ;) Am I setting the hook and reeling you in? I hope so! God continues to be faithful! He is worth of our praise no matter what! That is so beautiful isnt it?!

Many of us struggle with worrying and fretting. That is doing nothing for me sister! (except killing my stomach and giving me gray hair!) How long are we going to keep doing this? Spending valuable time dong something that gets me nowhere?! You are reading into this that I am the pot calling the kettle black right?! There is NO condemnation here. This sister has a plank in her eye. This is a safe place to be real.

But this "Adoption mess" as I call it has taught me so much. I do "capture those thoughts and hold them captive" NUMEROUS times!Let me tell you how , just in case you are like me and need a visual! Grab it by the scruff of the neck, throw it out the door and yell that its not welcome! Go ahead..... Im waiting....... do it. Now doesnt that feel better! ;) We cannot give Satan that precious time. Get your bible...... or multiple Bibles if you are like me, place them out in places to grab in a time of need. I now have them setting all around the house. Places I frequent. They used to have a shelf on the bookcase, all lined up real pretty, on the table by my bed stacked artistically. But that doesnt do anything for me . Lets pause for another visual:Thats like when I get on a frenzy and have to move paintings and stuff around to give the house a new look with the same stuff. There is a whole shed outside FULL of useful tools. But I dont want to take the time to put shoes on, stop what Im doing and walk out there and find the hammer. I just grab a hard heeled shoe and go at it. (You can laugh but its the truth. ) Many many a time I have bent a nail or dented the wall.... in my haste Id rather just do it on my own. How much time would I have saved to use the proper tools?????? God gave us His word. Life changing, living, breathing word of God. Its not doing anything for me if its not right where I can grab it when I am feeling weak or the lies start rolling in. The accuser prowling around...... he knows my weaknesses. I have to be on alert. Ready with my armor to do battle. He is not welcome!

So the verse I needed was Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (or in some texts: a single cubit to his height?)

I dont know how many times I could worry because teenager / adult son isnt in yet. How is E doing in his homeschooling? How is God going to provide to bring "little G" home? When will "little G" come home? HOW will "little G" come home? You and others have had to watch this and I tell you, it has gotten me no where real fast! Do I TRUST God? Do I trust His timing? Worrying about it will not change how its going to be. Praying about it and then leaving it in His hands will. That prayer and stepping back changes things, most importantly, it changes ME.

This is the Message for the day:

"Dont hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust- or worse!- stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where its safe from moth and rust and burglars.
It's obvious isnt it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

Then I went down to verse 30-33:
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never even seen- dont you think He will attend to you, Take pride in you, do His best for you? What I am trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who dont know God and the way he works fuss over these things, But you know both God and how He works. ;)

Steep your life in:
God-reality,
God-initiative,
God-provisions.

Dont worry about missing out.
You'll find your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and dont get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.


Under His wings,
Anna

Thankful

I just want to take a minute to let anyone who stumbles over here tonight that I am so thankful for the peace I have had this past week. It was so hard to go away for a week and just let everything go on without me. No e-mails, no facebook, no blog reading! But I knew that I was supposed to go away and just let it all be. It would all be here when we arrived back home safe and sound.

I was right.

During the first days of being home God was able to really show me some things and it was because I had a new perspective. It was like the scales had fallen from my eyes.

Now I dont know what God is going to do.
What we are going to do.
But its okay.
Really, I feel so much better.
I have such peace.
He loves us.
He loves "little G" and its going to be okay.

God has allowed me to e-mail with a new confidante and that has been an encouragement.
He knew I needed someone who really understood some of the hard things weve gone through this year and His timing was perfect.

I am thankful for my dear husband and family. We had some great times together this weekend and I am sad tomorrow is Monday. My daughter and her husband went out to dinner with us and we had such a great time. Then we had supper last night. P has been watching Alton Brown and we are enjoying the new recipes. I made the blueberry buckle....... again. P fried a turkey and I cubed sweet potatoes, tossed with olive oil and salt and baked in the oven. Beans and creamed corn from Mom and Dads summer garden.........

I went to church this morning by myself and was moved to tears that a family who's wife was home sick asked me to sit with them and enveloped me like I was family. God continues to sneak up and let me know Im not alone in this.

Just so thankful.

If you knew me youd know that its all God.......

Giving G back to God

Okay.

So if you read yesterday's post,

and if you were living in my head today. (be glad you arent!)

I have come to the conclusion that I need to do like we did with our other children.

We had a specific day that we stood before our church Family and had a dedication ceremony.

Well, today I am giving her back.

She is His. (she always has been!)

I have to just back away.

And each day from here on out.

I will choose to give her back.

I will choose to let Him have his way with me

have His way in my life.......

I will edit this post to add the actual dedication ceremony from our Church hymnal.

I wanted to have it here.

In my devotional.

To read and practice each day.

I have had to do this with my other children as well.

I am sure there have been times that as a parent you have had to do this very same thing.

Lord, I give this child back to you.

Finding purpose

Each of us is created for a Purpose.
Read Psalms 139.
I am a knitter and I love the thought that he uses this term, Knit together, to describe how we are formed in our mothers womb. Many things I knit are for a specific person I have in mind, and a specific purpose. I would not try to use a scarf to carry my belongings in instead of a purse?! What a crazy thought. I am not going to go the trouble of picking just the right yarn, textures, colors and gague the pattern calls for and knit up a scarf for someone that WILL NOT WEAR IT! It takes way too much time to be cast aside and not treasured. God, our heavenly father, our CREATOR. Made us, knit us together- with talents, abilities, personalities that enable us to serve a specific purpose.

It took me a LONG time to figure this out. But its this realization that fuels me to pursue a specific dream and vision. Just because we have been "called" to a certain path it does not mean that it will be easy. Why do I get it in my mind that because I KNOW this is what I am supposed to do, my husband is 101% in agreement that we think that all will be easy. Ha ha! (I have to pause and laugh at myself.)

God's word even tells us that it wont be easy.
He tells us there WILL be trials. So just get in your head.
Be forewarned.
Its gonna happen.
SO, if we know that it will be happen we need to be prepared. We need to have the foundation laid so that we can say, "Yes I knew this was going to happen. But just know its not going to shake me. Its not going to change what I know to be True. I will not doubt God. I will not doubt the calling in my life. He said it. He keeps confirming. THE END."

Okay, so back to where I started. And where Ive been for a week or so........

We are to adopt. I dont know how many. I dont know the details. But we are supposed to be doing this. Does it look like what I thought it would a year later? Absolutely not! But God knew. He has a plan. I dont know how we ended up here but He (God) goes before me. He loves me. He loves Paul. He loves "little G"........

There is passion in purpose. Find your purpose dear friend. When the going gets tough hang in there. This isnt just a little whim. I may be an artist, a knitter, but I was created to love and nurture others! Ah the sweet freedom!!!!!

If you havent already.
Take some time.
Set some goals.
Pray about what you love to do........ what you find fulfilling.
Is that calling hidden somewhere in there?
If you know what it is,
take some time to restore your strength.
Time to recommit to running the race he has set before you.
And Let us encourage one another.
In the New Testament they gathered together DAILY!


As I look at the picture of a sweet little face, with long ponytails...... as I long to hold those sweet little chubby hands. I have to pause and remember.This isnt about JUST bringing "little G" home. Its not just about the adoption. I forget at times and see that as my goal, my prize at the end of the journey.
But God is interested in the process.
The preparation for eternity!

Under His Wings,
Anna

PS And if you think about it, say a prayer or two for our little ones in Ecuador. Their orphanage is like many other organizations that depend on donations to provide for the little ones. We wont discuss the economy but they are struggling as a result. And also pray that the Childrens Council in Ecuador will look favorably on our case, our adoption agency, whatever it is that is holding up the wheels of progress....... Thank you in advance.

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas!
Feliz Navidad!
celebrating the birth of our Savior and King......Cherishing the loved ones with us, missing the ones that arent and looking forward to the future.

Adoption update

For those waiting on news.
I recieved an e-mail from our adoption agency last night.
Yes, she told us thru an e-mail.
" The social worker at the Orphanage was in attendance at the committee meeting on Thursday and G's case was not discussed. I am sorry."
Once again my heart literally aches. I know I need to cry it out. Again.
Maybe in the shower.
But for now.
I have a beautiful family.
I am focusing on my Savior.
And we are CELEBRATING Christmas!

Under His wings,
Anna

December 17th- Perspective & Waiting

As I sit here at my computer I can see the sun shining outside my windows and after all the rain this month its a blessed occurrance. ( 12 inches already. If we get more rain as promised before the end of the month it will push us into the "wettest December in History". I am not sure when they started keeping records.) Isnt it funny how we appreciate something we take for granted once we "go without".

Take our health for instance. It just takes one visit to the Dr for life to go spinning out of control.

These changes in our life are good for us. They change our perspective. They change how we view things. The outside didnt change, it was me, the inside that changed how I percieved it. Today I am thankful for the sunshine. (as are many in communities around us that are flooded out of their homes right now, a little over a week away from Christmas. Not in a flood zone, no flood insurance. sigh......

Tomorrow is "The day" that the council will meet again. Once a month they meet to sign off on the adoption "assignment letters". Our immigration deadline is quickly approaching. Last I talked to our immigrations officer it was the 17th. But it took longer to process the papers so that gave us a few more days. The official deadline is the 24th. Christmas Eve. As we await on the celebration of the birth of our Savior we also wait on him to come as he did so long ago, to rescue our situation. Can you imagine on Sunday when our pastor talked about how we are "waiting" we sang the song thats first on my play list. THEY sang "Away in a manger." My throat was so constricted with raw emotion, nothing was coming out. No room for a bed....... my sweet Savior. He really understands the plight of the Orphans. So much as to say when we do for "the least of these" we are actually doing unto Him. He even takes on their identity. I can go on and on. The first Sunday of Advent the Christmon tree was in the foyer and we were handed ornaments to hang on the tree. The attendant reached into her box to hand me an ornament, then we both looked at it. "oh how neat Anna, yours is the creche, the manger......" More days than not I see Gods hand. I am thankful to be so aware. For my spiritual vision to be so attuned to see what He is doing, saying to me. To read on someones blog Luke 12:6-7 talking about the sparrows and how they are only worth pennies..... but our worth more than a whole flock of sparrows. How He cares and provides for them and how muh more he does for us, going so far as to number the hairs on our head! Only days before that I was in the passenger seat as we drove down the street. Rarely I see a bluebird. Oh I squealed as one flew across a yard. Then another followed it. I followed their flight to see them land on a power line. There were five! Five bluebirds sitting in a row! That was my happy thought for the morning........ I know there is a difference in bluebirds and sparrows. But He can minister to us through His creation.....
Our church had several people help write a devotional for the Advent. Todays verse is Zephaniah 3:14-20. "He will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Makes me think of our pastor talking about how a mother with an infant can quiet that child with her love. Did you know that El Shaddai, The root word Shad means breast! As an infant, the mother provides all the nourishment her child needs at her breast. They have found that in the first days breastmilk, colostrum, provides immunities for the infant child. God is the provider of all things we need. Its all found in Him.

I guess all that said to say,
I am learning to appreciate the wait. I am learning to rest in Him. Let His peace wash over me and appreciate all the ways He comunicates His love, His provision.......

Try to savor the "wait" for the birth of our Savior with me.
Advent is such a beautiful "waiting" time.
The anticipation.
Dont let it pass you by..........


Under His Wings,
Anna

"Do not Enter"

So let me tell you this idea isnt original to me. Ive been pondering it since I read a blogger's title, "Im Under Contruction". In the midst of raising little ones, adoption, and the Holidays they have decided to put their house on the market and find something bigger for their growing family. So, they are getting it ready which involves painting, flooring etc., and actually living in the home while the process is underway.

But I paused
and I thought to myself,
this is like me.
I am "Under construction".
This process of regeneration.
taking off the old and replacing it with the new.
Now the huge part of transformation happened on the day of my salvation. But that is not what I am talking about here am I?
We are all being transformed by the renewing of our minds, daily. (Romans 12:2)
Way way back when I remember Kay Arthur talking about each day waking up and putting Christ on. Like a coat or a garment. Each day I have the choice of letting Him do His work in me. We can get up in the morning and put the hard hat on and get to work.

Through my adoption journey of this past year I have been on the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with International Adoption. I have had to continually focus my eyes on Christ and Gods word to get through this. If I take my focus off Him its like all the crew puts the tools down and walks off the job site. He will let me just sit on the sidelines and admire the work thats been done so far. To become stagnant. Its safe there isnt it. Many times along the way I take up the tools and start working on it myself and really, since Im being honest here, I am just not a carpenter. He is the carpenter and He knows who he created me to be. He has the blueprints. So if I take this job on my own there may be some painful remodeling that has to be done.

So be patient with me 'yall,
and I will try to be patient with myself.
Im "Under Construction"
and I will be.........
until I get to my eternal home.

Phil. 1:6 Being confident of this very thing,
that He who hath begun a good work in you will perform it
until the the day of Jesus Christ.

My brother in Laws sermon

Can you believe my Brother in law mentioned to me on Face Book that he used us as an illustration on Sunday. I watched it with trepidation. I will list the link here in case you might want to watch. Its the Sermon Titled "Gods work in us" on December 6 by Pastor Matt W. The first ten mins or so while it loads you will hear incredible Christmas music. Then the actual video comes onto the screen - the next 40 min of the actual service is a wonderful musical drama. The last say 20 min is the actual sermon in case you are wanting to "get to the point". My husband is that kind of person so I am making that part available to "those kinds" of people. Ha ha!

moving on.........

As I watched the ending of the SEC championship game. You know, where they show the winning team saying "Hi Mom" and being excited about winning. I was so moved to hear the player that was first interviewed for the "other" team. "I just want to start off by thanking God. Through Him this is possible." It made me remember just 30 min earlier that I saw Tim Tebow praying to that very same God during halftime. Yes my beloved Gators just didnt win. But God still showed up and He still got the glory. Isnt that all that really matters. Football games come and go but God is God.

Things in our life come and go,
but God is still God.

My brother in law mentioned the verse that I quoted in my last post in Romans 5. ( has he been reading my blog???)
Other top verses in his sermon that I can relate to:

Phillipians 3:1-11
Hebrews 12:10
and the one on Tim Tebows eyeblack on Sunday.
How approporiate. John 16:33
Thanks Matt. I didnt look for that one. So I could take that as far as to say God was trying to continue to remind me of this "lesson" even through the game...... hate to admit that after while I just couldnt even watch.......

I wish I could share all the "God Hugs" I recieved after my post last week. You can read 4 on the comments section. The rest I will savor and enjoy. He is holding me "close to his heart". I am so glad He loves me in such a grand way.

May He hold you close to His heart as you continue to run this race!
Under His wings,
Anna

Grief

I know, You say that word and think that someone has died.
We think of death.
I am trying to give myself a little, can I say it...... grace.
I need to let myself grieve.
Dont worry, we havent lost someone..... I am so blessed, our family is healthy and well.
But I am grieving.
There.
I said it.
It took a friend to help me find the words.
Have you ever just been so bogged down
you couldnt even find the words to express what is inside you?
Sometimes it just takes someone coming up alongside you that can see it.
Someone that can see the trees in spite of the forest.

I am not the only one.
Many will grieve during the Holidays.
They have a new diagnosis.
Recently lost a loved one.
The Holidays bring up memories, feelings.

Time and time again this past year I have found myself speechless.
That is a pretty hard task.
But yesterday I was right back
"there"
in
"that place".

A friend called and I am ashamed to admit I was still in bed. I wont tell you what time it was. We had a storm roll through and the Great Dane gets so upset, pacing up and down the halls whining. I didnt want to get out of bed and let her in our room because I didnt want to wake DH up. And many nights once I am still it takes me awhile for my head to be quiet and actually fall asleep. So I slept in.

Back to my story...... so this friend calls first thing in the Am then she calls again mid afternoon. We were working on spelling. Now if youve seen my sons spelling you will know I just couldnt stop what I was doing and answer the phone. But the sad part is that I couldnt bring myself to call her back. I knew why she was calling. I just couldnt talk. I was in "that place" I took son to church early to "hang out" and went to get hair cut. Then came home and cooked supper. I really was thinking that I could figure out a way to not have time to go back to church and go to youth group. But darn it if I didnt get it all done with time to spare. So I went.

All it took was me letting my guard down for a split second and the tears started, then the sobbing. I must've sobbed for 30 min. The sad thing is that there is so much left, I am actually crying as I type this and was crying in bed last night. It is a beautiful release but I cant get it to stop. I have a deep desire to just stay at home in my flannel pants, t-shirt and warm socks. It is safe there. I dont want to be thought of as "fragile" a "drama queen". I want people to know that I DO trust God, that he IS near to me, He is my Savior, I have the faith of ....... well I want to think something much bigger than a mustard seed! But this mountain hasnt moved yet. What is God waiting on? What have I not done to get this moving? (really, understand that I dont think God is a slot machine and that if I do this or that I will get my way..... but let me be brutally honest here, just this moment let me say what is in my head. He knows it already.) But I keep running from the grief and not letting myself feel what is real. I have a fear that it will distract others from my true beliefs and faith..........

This friend that had chased me all day told me that this grieving is okay.
It doesnt mean that I dont have faith.
It proves that I am human.
If I am so concerned with appearances, who does that help?
Does it help anyone?

"Im wondering, What does that do for you?" She asked.

Minimizing it only hurts me in the long run- why am I doing that to myself. I wouldnt do that to someone else that I know. Even someone that I dont like. I find myself offering excuses for others and their behavior. Why cant I just let myself be human, that tenderhearted person that God has created me to be? (really, I swerve for butterflies........ ) I was WAY past 30 before I even liked myself. Big ole ninny baby. Just Stop being so tenderhearted! Then I started seeing it as a gift. God makes us all diferent and this helps me be the prayer warrior. You tell me something and buddy I will "feel it" for you and that will bring me to my knees on your behalf. God can whisper your name in my ear, or I see your face and I am right at his throne for you. Im not tooting my own horn. I am just saying that I have come to see the value of my gifts and talents instead of trying to hide them and "fix" them.

Its dawned on me that we will spend another Christmas without "little G".

Two brithdays.
Two Christmases.

When last Friday
then Saturday........
this Monday
came and went.
I realized that we would not meet our daughter in person before Christmas. I dont know where in my mind a vision of her sweet little face lit up with the glow from the Christmas tree lights has come from. But I see it every once in awhile and I really thought I would get to see it in real life.

It just wont happen.

The council closes from Dec 17th to the end of the year and it will take two weeks to get the court processes done and the bonding period complete. Even if we scrambled and just got on the next plane out we just wouldnt be able to get it done.

There is nothing I can physically do to change this. I wont be watching her open Christmas gifts ....... that sweet little girl that haunts my dreams, like a phantom slipping in and out. I can hear her laughter and feel her soft hair as it brushes up against my face. My heart is breaking yet again for the things that wont be.

Now please, dont take that and run with it either, God can and will restore the years the locust has eaten, its in His word so it is true. But let me just be real. I need to allow myself to grieve before I can move on. Lets face it, I am a mother. I long for those moments again.........

As I sobbed in the foyer last night, my friend held me tightly.
She cried with me and promised me that she would join me in grieving.
But I have to be willing to "go there" for her to join me.
You know, not many people want to be around someone that grieves for so long.

But it only takes one.

Let me end with my verse for today. I couldnt find it the other day and today there it was!

But we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
And perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts
by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

- Romans 5:3-5

Abundance

So yesterday and today I have been rolling this word around in my head. Like a beautiful word as it slips off the tongue. Its Holiday time, Thanksgiving just passed us by and now we are headed towards Christmas. I am just thinking about what weve been blessed with, the need around us and Gods gifts........
We went through hard financial times after we moved. that was 13 years ago- I am reminded time and time again that we never went without what we needed and our faith was strengthened. God was our provider and His word is true. Back then I resolved that when we were better off financially I would do for others. I am so glad to be on this side of the giving.

I have been following another Blog/ story of a family that has encouraged me. I sat back and watched/ read as their daughter decided that she wanted to raise the money to adopt a sweet little girl in an Orphanage far away. Now in Eastern countries children are institutionalized after about 4-5 years of age if they havent been adopted. But I kept praying that God really would ride in on his white horse and save the day. That this family would have a Thanksgiving miracle. I am not sure if I lacked the faith that it would happen tho'. I commented on the blog, "if you come up short you wont give up will you?" I know with our adoption we signed on the dotted line BEFORE we had the finances. All we knew was that God was calling us to more....... bigger. I wrestled with the issues of the finances. It seemed so big. But I knew from what God had done in our past and continued to do that it was possible. Yesterday I made my coffee, sat down to catch up on the blogs and wept as I read that in 9 days they had not only met the goal of $20 thousand but Exceeded it. The mother said that she is amazed that the money has not stopped coming in even after they reached their goal. They have now started adding all the surplus to another familys account. So not only did God use His people to do one Thanksgiving miracle but two!

Ephesians 3 comes to mind. Esp. vs. 20 Now unto him (Christ) who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.

I am praying that while we wait to bring "Little G" home that God will continue to work out our faith...... perseverance.

Hold my heart- Happy Birthday "little G "

The song "Hold my heart" by Tenth Avenue North has really been the top on my list of favorites lately. I dont know how to do links or any of that fancy stuff......

"One tear in the driving rain.
Once voice in a sea of pain.
Could the maker of the stars,
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am,
right now I can barely stand.
If you really are who you say you are could you come close and hold my heart?"

The reason I love it so much is that I know. I know The only way I am not sobbing by eyes out is that God has been so close. Really and truely it wasnt Him that needed to move, but it was me. I need to take the walls down and take the time to really tell Him every little detail. I used to really be the person that held onto those little things or not go to Him with the details that I felt didnt matter to him. " I wont keep Him tied up on something so trivial."

He has done such a HUGE thing on "little G"s behalf. I know that He loves my sweet "little G".
Today is her fourth birthday and so far I havent shed a tear. I praise God that He has taken such wonderful care of her. I know that her Orphanage loves her and that she has been blessed. I dont know if she knows or understands that she has a family yet. But I know. She has a sweet little bed, in a sweet little room. A mother a father and two.... really three big brothers. Just anxiously waiting to shower her with Love........

Happy Birthday Little G!

The Power of Crying out

I feel the need to share about a little gift I recieved a few months ago. This came from a new friend of mine. She is the one that shared the first pictures of "little G".
Its a book, "The Power of Crying out"was written by Bill Gothard. This little book can be read easily in one sitting. It was a timely message for me when we got the phone call to prepare for our trip to Ecuador and then two days recieved the call that the Childrens Council didnt meet. To say I was devastated is a huge understatement. I understand that our Adoption agency director was only relaying the info she had received. I wish there was someone that I coud blame. Someone that I could be angry with or give a piece of my mind. But its like the picture of everyone pointing to everyone else. "its their fault". That was in September.

This book is simple. Shares Gods word in small increments and I want to share my favorite part:

"God Hears those in great need"
We see in scripture that the greater someones helplessness and need the more God seems to emphasize His commitment to hear their cry in trouble. God affirms His special concern for the fatherless, widows, strangers(foreigners). and the poor- people with exceptional needs and crises that others do not experience.
God testified to Moses that if oppressed widows and orphans called out to Him, "I will surely hear their cry" Solomon said that God "will deliver the needy when he cries, the poor also, and him who has no helper. Exodus 22:22-23 and Psalm 72:12
Gods compassion in such cases of special hardship is something He expects us to share as well. He tells us,"Whoever shuts his ears to the cry of the poor will also cry himself and no be heard. And He warned Moses and the people at Sinai," You shall not afflict them in any way, and they cry at all to Me , I will surely hear their cry; and My wrath will become hot adn I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

Later in the book Bill Gothard writes that we can intercede on others behalf. " Samuel cried our to the Lord for Israel, and the Lord answered hi,. I Samuel 7:9

"call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. Psalm 50:15

I cannot believe we are still here,
in this waiting place.
Reading blogs of other families starting their adoption stories with stars in their eyes watching God move in a mighty way, other families getting the phone call that they can fly, other families bringing their little ones home. Yes there are times I want to call everyone to start blowing the ballooons, bake the cake. "We are having a pity party!" But I dont. I know that we are where God wants us to be. We said "Yes" to His call in our lives. He didnt say how or when. We know that He is still at work and that when it is the right time it will happen.

Our little girl will be celebrating her 4th birthday this upcoming week. I am choosing instead to dwell on what is true.

What is true?
1- Little G is in a wonderful Orphanage. She gets aqua therapy, horseback riding therapies, psychologist on staff and rides in the van to a special preschool 3 days a week.
2- She had eye surgery at a year old to remove cataracts and the lenses. She is legally blind without her glasses but we are so thankful that the surgery was done when she was little.
3-we have all the funds to travel- God provided what we needed when we needed it every step of the way!
4- we are ready for her to come home. When we get "the phone call" we are ready to go.
5- we dont have to worry about her being taken to an institution. Unlinke the little ones in Orphanages in other countries She is just fine.

All that really matters is that she needs a family and we said yes.

Please continue to pray and cry out for us and our "little G". There are many times that my focus isnt where it needs to be and I feel weak, weary.......

Fall projects

Well I have projects on my list. Dont we all. Our Fall weather was a little crazy. Stayed warm and humid so the painting projects kept waiting for it to cool off and have a sunny day. Then it snapped cool, or should I say cold. For this Florida girl there is a fine line between cooling off and getting cold! I am waiting for it to warm up a bit so Eric and I can work on aplying the primer to the cabinet doors. I started this project this summer. I bought the handles and Im ready to just get it done and marked off my list. It will be a dramatic change - I think I will really like it once its done. Maybe today I will have a few drawers complete so Eric can drill the holes and put the beautiful handles on them. Maybe once its done DH will want to save the money to get the new countertops and farmhouse sink Im drooling over. Im also planning on touching up some baseboards and doors while I have the white enamel paint out. Dogs and boys......
The next project is sewing drapes. I have the rods- on clearance at Target. I made the Valences last summer. So all I have left to do before I can start sewing is purchase the lining. I guess since I live in Florida the drapes have to be lined. Oh well. I know I need to just do it right. It seems pretty straight forward so I am hoping to "just do it". that is my main problem. I have ideas and projects but I have a hard time starting and completing a task. As I mature (no getting older here!) I am getting better in this area of weakness. Im hoping when the in-laws get here in a few weeks they will have surprises waiting on them.


No adoption news. Thats all I have to say about that. God knows how my heart aches and He continues to be my strength and my shield. I will rest in Him. Under His wings. I am so very thankful to have met Nanny. She is the daughter of the family we will stay with in Ecuador. They work for SIFAT and our church has joined them over five years in a row doing missions trips each summer. They are like family to our church. I have only met them in passing but my oldest son got to go to Ecuador a few summers ago. She was such an encouragement last night and prayed with me and held me while I sobbed. They are excited to be a part of our adventure and have been praying for us and "little G". I cant wait to meet the WHOLE family. (she showed me pictures of her brothers and their families) What an exciting time to look forward to.

The Message

I have a dear friend.
Rather worn and coming apart at the seams- literally.
I got this version of the Bible back before I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. I did a mural for some friends opening a Christian book store and they overheard my comments about wanting one. This was their thank you. Well, my husband accepted a job in Ft Lauderdale and we spent a year and a half living 12 hours apart waiting for our house to sell here, him living in a camper there. We drove back and forth, homeschooling made the traveling easier. Well in the midst of all that turmiol I went to the Dr and told her how tired and worn down I was. I had bloodwork done and tested positive for Lyme disease, Epstein Barre titers were elevated and Human Parvo titers elevated as well as anemic....... I guess I was feeling a bit run down! This Bible became such a breath of fresh air. I still love the KJV because its familiar. Its what I memorized as a child. But sometimes this dear friend has a way of making me laugh, taking my breath away, bringing new insight to truths Ive been pondering. Through our adoption journey Its lost its spine and back cover. I called the publisher to request a replacement. They promptly sent one but I couldnt bring myself to using it. I instead gave it to my 15 yo son. I pray that he grows to love his as much as I do mine. A few Sundays ago someone saw me fanning myself with the back cover, she laughed and asked if I had it special made to do that..... its perfect for when you are having a "personal season"!!
I may try to find a carrier of something to put it in to protect it from further damage.........

Today I read:

" Are you tired?
Worn out?
Burned out on religion?

Come to me.

Get away with me and you'll recover your life.
I'll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
I wont lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.
Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

- Matthew 11:28-30

Ahhhh my sweet sweet Savior.
Just what I needed.

E-mail chain letters

Im not one for all those chain letters you get. Say a prayer send it to 5 or ten or fifteen people and something special will happen..... I got one from a dear friend this morning and I love the sentiment inside. Let me share it with you.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have recieved and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.