Presently, I am holed up in my room.
Door shut. Light off.
If you were to be in the room with me you would see with your own eyes.
That I, in fact, am not napping.
We started the day off with seizures.
Again.
I had been so thankful that the medication seemed to be working.
You know I've been sent for a loop when I take Lil G out for lunch, and barely eat.
The company was good.
I was able to give a dear friend a requested piece of artwork. (yay me!)
I did my first "word art ".
Plus I was able to get this piece done......
Do you remember this? I started with an old painting and tweaked it????
Well it was a secret-
In my rush I dont think I signed it, and forgot to get photos! Ha ha!
It did my heart good.
She has been the truest of friends.
I know I couldnt have pulled off the rehearsal dinner without her help.
The week Lil G was hospitalized and got a diagnosis was hard-
My oldest daughter was on a road trip to Kansas.
The beginning of a harsh reality that I stand toe to toe with.
Each day, week, moment.....
They add up to days, weeks, moments....
Closer to her actually loading up as much as we can fit into a trailer, the back of the truck, and her car.
A trip to deliver her to the next leg of her journey.
It is not my own.
She belongs to God.
But she is my firstborn.
I carried her under my heart, labored 24.5 hours and have been her mother.....
I cannot separate my heart from what my head knows is good.
Ive wrestled with anger this past year.
I've never had anger as an emotion I let stay very long.
I cannot say that in this year I have gotten better at it.
But I have given it a name and can call it out.
Much better than shoving it in the closet.
When packing your oldest daughter to move, if you are me,
you find boxes of baby items that had been stored a few long painful years ago
in hopes of the first grandchild.
If you are me, you will wrestle with the anger
that without even a marriage this is not in the near future.
You would also be faced with the taunts
of the dark voice of perfectionism at not adopting another child,
those dreams no longer a possibility when faced with what reality looks like.
Lil G's new reality.
Both reasons that we feel adopting again is not Gods will for our family.
That doesn't make it easier to accept.
It doesn't make it easier to label the things to sell, package as gifts, or haul to Go*dwill.
It's like many dreams and hopes are dashed.
And if all this wasnt enough.......
Add to it the fact that our beloved Great Dane is not well.
I am faced with her reality many times a day.
But it's either that or helping her on her journey, and I can't stomach that reality either.
It's been a hard month and I have been Savoring the moments.
We've gone to a ball game.
To see a movie at the ball park.
Swimming at big brothers apt.
So many adventures.
In the meantime, we've learned that in fact she does not sweat.
Now wondering if there is a condition to diagnosis for all of the conditions in one?
We've also had our first blood draw to monitor the seizure medication in her bloodstream.
This was not for the faint of heart.
The first day she was stuck twice. The lab decided we needed to go home and try another day.
It was then decided we would take her to her Drs office.
The nurse tried 3 times then sent us to go eat breakfast and return later.
Her Dr decided she would be the one to try and was near tears when it took her four tries.
I cried more than Lil G did.
.
I am thankful that the tears that come so easily are a treasure.
There is a verse in the bible that God stores up our tears.
I can remember being told not to cry.
Being told to stop acting like a baby.
I am glad that God, who created me, treasures my tears. T
hat he understands why I am angry,
He understands how I feel -this is unfair,
I'm glad I don't have to "get my act all together" to be "good enough".
I'm so sad to know we have to start our 2 year count again.
Increase the dosage of medication, the medication that I love and hate in the same breath.
