Yesterday I went into Gs room. Well come to think of it I did the day before too. I put on my big girl panties that morning I suppose. Like ripping off a band-aid. I just went in there and soaked in all that sweetness and love. The thought and effort that went into that little room. We didnt just paint the walls. we stripped the walls, primed them and then painted them. WHY, you ask. Well there was big grains of sand, texture, on the walls. When it was my son's room he would wake up in the morning with his knuckles raw from his hand dragging down the wall in his sleep. When you have a legally blind toddler that just started walking( last December) you just dont want that child being scuffed up all the time. I picked out colors I didnt necessarily like because, well , the room is not for me. Its for a little darlin that cant see well. ( You can go back and see the pics if youd like.)
Once Id been in there and the pain had dulled a bit I opened the closet and started plundering around. Two carseats, clothes,bedrail, changing pallet, Boxes of disposeable diapers/training pants, cloth diapers and accesories, Beech sheets, Towels puzzles, books, toys, and more toys. ( mostly hand -me - downs from my sisters) Clothes. Remember those sweet dresses I sewed up....... I had forgotten how adorable they were. How cute she would be in them. Hmmmm what else........ a BRIGHT yellow suitcase. Now I am a little embarassed. I found it at the thrift store for $1. Its an incredible name brand. WAY better than our 20-something year old tourister suitcases. But it was just dirty and BRIGHT YELLOW! If we have to check it on we will have no problem knowing where it is. SO I brought it home and speayed some cleaner on it and it looks brand new!
That suitcase is toddler-ready for 6- 8 weeks in Ecuador. Do you want to know how long that suitcase has been packed? At the very least 6 months. At the most, 10 months. We were told wed be hearing back in two weeks in March remember? When our dossier was sent.
When you were expectant did you go into the nursery and fondle the sweet little things?I did. I had washed them in dreft because I loved the smell and we have asthma and the possibility of skin allergies was high. I would hold those sweet smelling things up to my face and just soak in that smell. Unfold them and refold them just so.
So I opened the suitcase.
What was in there?
OH! The Dora towel- my friends mother sent that.(remember she loves Dora and I painted the mural in her room.......
Oh my gosh, I had forgotten the beautiful periwinkle plaid smocked dress for court day, and little white sweater with pearls sew in. Just in case.
Thirteen Gymboree outfits from my sister- brand new- matching hairbows, socks... the whole nine yards still with the packaging.
Baby soap,
bright hair elastics,
baby travel kit with shampoo, rash creme etc,
small toys tucked into cracks and crannies to disburse during stressful moments,
a few play dresses,
The RED poncho I knit with matching hat and socks,
Patton leather Mary janes, for dress up.
The softest leather slip on shoes- I cant remember their names. you know the ones that look like they are for infants not walking, I didnt know they made them for toddlers! S0 perfect for her.....
Now I think you can understand some small part of the pain I am experiencing.
We planned for HER. Not a generic child. She HAS A NAME. She has a FACE.
I wanted soft things because she has tactile sensitivities. I thought of her skin coloring when I bought and knit the special things for her.
God knows this.
He knows my heart.
Its okay for me to be in pain.
I am allowing it to hurt and know that others will still see my faith and that I am not shaken through this letting go and letting God process.
This really may not happen.
We really might have to walk away.
How can I not feel like I am abandoning her?
I had several people tell me that it wasnt her I was walking away from. It was this mess. But I still cant let that make it all feel better...... shes my sweet little G.
We just feel like we cannot start over from the very beginning with a new adoption agency, pay all the fees over again. Start from scratch. I just keep crying and begging God to make sure we know that we know that we know we are doing the right thing. If he wanted us to bring her home wouldnt he make sure it wouldnt end up where we had to spend an additional $20-30K starting over?
Thank you for being there for us.
This is hard.
This HURTS.
Only God can fix it.
Only he can make it better.
Once Id been in there and the pain had dulled a bit I opened the closet and started plundering around. Two carseats, clothes,bedrail, changing pallet, Boxes of disposeable diapers/training pants, cloth diapers and accesories, Beech sheets, Towels puzzles, books, toys, and more toys. ( mostly hand -me - downs from my sisters) Clothes. Remember those sweet dresses I sewed up....... I had forgotten how adorable they were. How cute she would be in them. Hmmmm what else........ a BRIGHT yellow suitcase. Now I am a little embarassed. I found it at the thrift store for $1. Its an incredible name brand. WAY better than our 20-something year old tourister suitcases. But it was just dirty and BRIGHT YELLOW! If we have to check it on we will have no problem knowing where it is. SO I brought it home and speayed some cleaner on it and it looks brand new!
That suitcase is toddler-ready for 6- 8 weeks in Ecuador. Do you want to know how long that suitcase has been packed? At the very least 6 months. At the most, 10 months. We were told wed be hearing back in two weeks in March remember? When our dossier was sent.
When you were expectant did you go into the nursery and fondle the sweet little things?I did. I had washed them in dreft because I loved the smell and we have asthma and the possibility of skin allergies was high. I would hold those sweet smelling things up to my face and just soak in that smell. Unfold them and refold them just so.
So I opened the suitcase.
What was in there?
OH! The Dora towel- my friends mother sent that.(remember she loves Dora and I painted the mural in her room.......
Oh my gosh, I had forgotten the beautiful periwinkle plaid smocked dress for court day, and little white sweater with pearls sew in. Just in case.
Thirteen Gymboree outfits from my sister- brand new- matching hairbows, socks... the whole nine yards still with the packaging.
Baby soap,
bright hair elastics,
baby travel kit with shampoo, rash creme etc,
small toys tucked into cracks and crannies to disburse during stressful moments,
a few play dresses,
The RED poncho I knit with matching hat and socks,
Patton leather Mary janes, for dress up.
The softest leather slip on shoes- I cant remember their names. you know the ones that look like they are for infants not walking, I didnt know they made them for toddlers! S0 perfect for her.....
Now I think you can understand some small part of the pain I am experiencing.
We planned for HER. Not a generic child. She HAS A NAME. She has a FACE.
I wanted soft things because she has tactile sensitivities. I thought of her skin coloring when I bought and knit the special things for her.
God knows this.
He knows my heart.
Its okay for me to be in pain.
I am allowing it to hurt and know that others will still see my faith and that I am not shaken through this letting go and letting God process.
This really may not happen.
We really might have to walk away.
How can I not feel like I am abandoning her?
I had several people tell me that it wasnt her I was walking away from. It was this mess. But I still cant let that make it all feel better...... shes my sweet little G.
We just feel like we cannot start over from the very beginning with a new adoption agency, pay all the fees over again. Start from scratch. I just keep crying and begging God to make sure we know that we know that we know we are doing the right thing. If he wanted us to bring her home wouldnt he make sure it wouldnt end up where we had to spend an additional $20-30K starting over?
Thank you for being there for us.
This is hard.
This HURTS.
Only God can fix it.
Only he can make it better.
Anna,
ReplyDeleteA God-thing happened to me today...and it had to do with you! I opened my Google Reader and found a whole list of blog entries that I hadn't read and for SOME reason I had NINE entries from your blog! I had already read most of them on your blog, except for the most recent ones. It was just confirmation for me of how MUCH I need to be praying for others who are going through such difficult times. We've had our share. We've walked such similar paths, having to decide whether to continue to wait or to walk away, etc. It's so difficult that there really are no words...except for HIS WORDS! God has the words, in HIS Word and in the words that only HE can whisper ever-so-quietly to our hearts as we wait upon Him and listen for Him. We had to clean out more of the nursery this week, the nursery that was supposed to be the room of our two precious baby boys, Mathieu and Jeremiah. We named them, we've held them, we touched them, and they touched our hearts. For whatever reason, they are not "ours" legally or physically, but they'll always be in our hearts. No matter what, God will carry you through this and Grace will always be in your hearts.
Praying for you,
Missy
Dear Anna,
ReplyDeleteUnder His wings is the best place in the world to be! I'm so glad you "stumbled" over to visit today, in the good providence of God, our Father. And I'm glad I followed you right back over to your world where I had the good pleasure of reading how He is so obviously drawing you near to Himself, as you follow Him down a road that includes pain.
It is often the case, this side of glory, that we only see enough light to take one more step, clinging to Him and His all-sufficient grace, but He sees the whole picture and we can trust Him wholly, even when it hurts and it is very unclear to us what He is doing in and through us. I don't say a word of that tritely...there is no hint of lightness or flippancy to my encouragement to trust Jesus...I say that as one who has come to know that He is worthy in every way of seeking refuge under His wings. From what I have read in your posts this afternoon, I trust you also know that. I feel like I have just "met" another one of my sisters :-).
I'll pray for little G, and for God's clear leading. May you know His peace as you fix your eyes on Jesus, who is both the Author and Perfecter of your faith. May you run with endurance the race set before you Sister.
My heart goes out to you! I wish I had words to say to encourage and comfort you. I'm sorry you're going through this pain... I can't imagine how hard this is. :( But I love your trust of our Father. You are such an example to others by how you cling to Him.
ReplyDeleteBless You and Yours,
(((Hugs)))
Holly (PBnJ)
Just as my,nothing close to this,post,brought you to tears,this post of yours made me weep.For different reasons.So many parts brought different emotions as I read them but I have to say ... I am so proud of you.Your strength.Your unwavering faith in Him.Forward facing my friend .. you are doing great.Really and truly.
ReplyDeleteWent and "met"Lois.Emailed her mom a few times.Hating that another family and child has to travel this path.Really and truly hate it.