Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas!
Feliz Navidad!
celebrating the birth of our Savior and King......Cherishing the loved ones with us, missing the ones that arent and looking forward to the future.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Adoption update

For those waiting on news.
I recieved an e-mail from our adoption agency last night.
Yes, she told us thru an e-mail.
" The social worker at the Orphanage was in attendance at the committee meeting on Thursday and G's case was not discussed. I am sorry."
Once again my heart literally aches. I know I need to cry it out. Again.
Maybe in the shower.
But for now.
I have a beautiful family.
I am focusing on my Savior.
And we are CELEBRATING Christmas!

Under His wings,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

December 17th- Perspective & Waiting

As I sit here at my computer I can see the sun shining outside my windows and after all the rain this month its a blessed occurrance. ( 12 inches already. If we get more rain as promised before the end of the month it will push us into the "wettest December in History". I am not sure when they started keeping records.) Isnt it funny how we appreciate something we take for granted once we "go without".

Take our health for instance. It just takes one visit to the Dr for life to go spinning out of control.

These changes in our life are good for us. They change our perspective. They change how we view things. The outside didnt change, it was me, the inside that changed how I percieved it. Today I am thankful for the sunshine. (as are many in communities around us that are flooded out of their homes right now, a little over a week away from Christmas. Not in a flood zone, no flood insurance. sigh......

Tomorrow is "The day" that the council will meet again. Once a month they meet to sign off on the adoption "assignment letters". Our immigration deadline is quickly approaching. Last I talked to our immigrations officer it was the 17th. But it took longer to process the papers so that gave us a few more days. The official deadline is the 24th. Christmas Eve. As we await on the celebration of the birth of our Savior we also wait on him to come as he did so long ago, to rescue our situation. Can you imagine on Sunday when our pastor talked about how we are "waiting" we sang the song thats first on my play list. THEY sang "Away in a manger." My throat was so constricted with raw emotion, nothing was coming out. No room for a bed....... my sweet Savior. He really understands the plight of the Orphans. So much as to say when we do for "the least of these" we are actually doing unto Him. He even takes on their identity. I can go on and on. The first Sunday of Advent the Christmon tree was in the foyer and we were handed ornaments to hang on the tree. The attendant reached into her box to hand me an ornament, then we both looked at it. "oh how neat Anna, yours is the creche, the manger......" More days than not I see Gods hand. I am thankful to be so aware. For my spiritual vision to be so attuned to see what He is doing, saying to me. To read on someones blog Luke 12:6-7 talking about the sparrows and how they are only worth pennies..... but our worth more than a whole flock of sparrows. How He cares and provides for them and how muh more he does for us, going so far as to number the hairs on our head! Only days before that I was in the passenger seat as we drove down the street. Rarely I see a bluebird. Oh I squealed as one flew across a yard. Then another followed it. I followed their flight to see them land on a power line. There were five! Five bluebirds sitting in a row! That was my happy thought for the morning........ I know there is a difference in bluebirds and sparrows. But He can minister to us through His creation.....
Our church had several people help write a devotional for the Advent. Todays verse is Zephaniah 3:14-20. "He will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Makes me think of our pastor talking about how a mother with an infant can quiet that child with her love. Did you know that El Shaddai, The root word Shad means breast! As an infant, the mother provides all the nourishment her child needs at her breast. They have found that in the first days breastmilk, colostrum, provides immunities for the infant child. God is the provider of all things we need. Its all found in Him.

I guess all that said to say,
I am learning to appreciate the wait. I am learning to rest in Him. Let His peace wash over me and appreciate all the ways He comunicates His love, His provision.......

Try to savor the "wait" for the birth of our Savior with me.
Advent is such a beautiful "waiting" time.
The anticipation.
Dont let it pass you by..........

Under His Wings,

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

"Do not Enter"

So let me tell you this idea isnt original to me. Ive been pondering it since I read a blogger's title, "Im Under Contruction". In the midst of raising little ones, adoption, and the Holidays they have decided to put their house on the market and find something bigger for their growing family. So, they are getting it ready which involves painting, flooring etc., and actually living in the home while the process is underway.

But I paused
and I thought to myself,
this is like me.
I am "Under construction".
This process of regeneration.
taking off the old and replacing it with the new.
Now the huge part of transformation happened on the day of my salvation. But that is not what I am talking about here am I?
We are all being transformed by the renewing of our minds, daily. (Romans 12:2)
Way way back when I remember Kay Arthur talking about each day waking up and putting Christ on. Like a coat or a garment. Each day I have the choice of letting Him do His work in me. We can get up in the morning and put the hard hat on and get to work.

Through my adoption journey of this past year I have been on the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with International Adoption. I have had to continually focus my eyes on Christ and Gods word to get through this. If I take my focus off Him its like all the crew puts the tools down and walks off the job site. He will let me just sit on the sidelines and admire the work thats been done so far. To become stagnant. Its safe there isnt it. Many times along the way I take up the tools and start working on it myself and really, since Im being honest here, I am just not a carpenter. He is the carpenter and He knows who he created me to be. He has the blueprints. So if I take this job on my own there may be some painful remodeling that has to be done.

So be patient with me 'yall,
and I will try to be patient with myself.
Im "Under Construction"
and I will be.........
until I get to my eternal home.

Phil. 1:6 Being confident of this very thing,
that He who hath begun a good work in you will perform it
until the the day of Jesus Christ.

Monday, December 7, 2009

My brother in Laws sermon

Can you believe my Brother in law mentioned to me on Face Book that he used us as an illustration on Sunday. I watched it with trepidation. I will list the link here in case you might want to watch. Its the Sermon Titled "Gods work in us" on December 6 by Pastor Matt W. The first ten mins or so while it loads you will hear incredible Christmas music. Then the actual video comes onto the screen - the next 40 min of the actual service is a wonderful musical drama. The last say 20 min is the actual sermon in case you are wanting to "get to the point". My husband is that kind of person so I am making that part available to "those kinds" of people. Ha ha!

moving on.........

As I watched the ending of the SEC championship game. You know, where they show the winning team saying "Hi Mom" and being excited about winning. I was so moved to hear the player that was first interviewed for the "other" team. "I just want to start off by thanking God. Through Him this is possible." It made me remember just 30 min earlier that I saw Tim Tebow praying to that very same God during halftime. Yes my beloved Gators just didnt win. But God still showed up and He still got the glory. Isnt that all that really matters. Football games come and go but God is God.

Things in our life come and go,
but God is still God.

My brother in law mentioned the verse that I quoted in my last post in Romans 5. ( has he been reading my blog???)
Other top verses in his sermon that I can relate to:

Phillipians 3:1-11
Hebrews 12:10
and the one on Tim Tebows eyeblack on Sunday.
How approporiate. John 16:33
Thanks Matt. I didnt look for that one. So I could take that as far as to say God was trying to continue to remind me of this "lesson" even through the game...... hate to admit that after while I just couldnt even watch.......

I wish I could share all the "God Hugs" I recieved after my post last week. You can read 4 on the comments section. The rest I will savor and enjoy. He is holding me "close to his heart". I am so glad He loves me in such a grand way.

May He hold you close to His heart as you continue to run this race!
Under His wings,

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I know, You say that word and think that someone has died.
We think of death.
I am trying to give myself a little, can I say it...... grace.
I need to let myself grieve.
Dont worry, we havent lost someone..... I am so blessed, our family is healthy and well.
But I am grieving.
I said it.
It took a friend to help me find the words.
Have you ever just been so bogged down
you couldnt even find the words to express what is inside you?
Sometimes it just takes someone coming up alongside you that can see it.
Someone that can see the trees in spite of the forest.

I am not the only one.
Many will grieve during the Holidays.
They have a new diagnosis.
Recently lost a loved one.
The Holidays bring up memories, feelings.

Time and time again this past year I have found myself speechless.
That is a pretty hard task.
But yesterday I was right back
"that place".

A friend called and I am ashamed to admit I was still in bed. I wont tell you what time it was. We had a storm roll through and the Great Dane gets so upset, pacing up and down the halls whining. I didnt want to get out of bed and let her in our room because I didnt want to wake DH up. And many nights once I am still it takes me awhile for my head to be quiet and actually fall asleep. So I slept in.

Back to my story...... so this friend calls first thing in the Am then she calls again mid afternoon. We were working on spelling. Now if youve seen my sons spelling you will know I just couldnt stop what I was doing and answer the phone. But the sad part is that I couldnt bring myself to call her back. I knew why she was calling. I just couldnt talk. I was in "that place" I took son to church early to "hang out" and went to get hair cut. Then came home and cooked supper. I really was thinking that I could figure out a way to not have time to go back to church and go to youth group. But darn it if I didnt get it all done with time to spare. So I went.

All it took was me letting my guard down for a split second and the tears started, then the sobbing. I must've sobbed for 30 min. The sad thing is that there is so much left, I am actually crying as I type this and was crying in bed last night. It is a beautiful release but I cant get it to stop. I have a deep desire to just stay at home in my flannel pants, t-shirt and warm socks. It is safe there. I dont want to be thought of as "fragile" a "drama queen". I want people to know that I DO trust God, that he IS near to me, He is my Savior, I have the faith of ....... well I want to think something much bigger than a mustard seed! But this mountain hasnt moved yet. What is God waiting on? What have I not done to get this moving? (really, understand that I dont think God is a slot machine and that if I do this or that I will get my way..... but let me be brutally honest here, just this moment let me say what is in my head. He knows it already.) But I keep running from the grief and not letting myself feel what is real. I have a fear that it will distract others from my true beliefs and faith..........

This friend that had chased me all day told me that this grieving is okay.
It doesnt mean that I dont have faith.
It proves that I am human.
If I am so concerned with appearances, who does that help?
Does it help anyone?

"Im wondering, What does that do for you?" She asked.

Minimizing it only hurts me in the long run- why am I doing that to myself. I wouldnt do that to someone else that I know. Even someone that I dont like. I find myself offering excuses for others and their behavior. Why cant I just let myself be human, that tenderhearted person that God has created me to be? (really, I swerve for butterflies........ ) I was WAY past 30 before I even liked myself. Big ole ninny baby. Just Stop being so tenderhearted! Then I started seeing it as a gift. God makes us all diferent and this helps me be the prayer warrior. You tell me something and buddy I will "feel it" for you and that will bring me to my knees on your behalf. God can whisper your name in my ear, or I see your face and I am right at his throne for you. Im not tooting my own horn. I am just saying that I have come to see the value of my gifts and talents instead of trying to hide them and "fix" them.

Its dawned on me that we will spend another Christmas without "little G".

Two brithdays.
Two Christmases.

When last Friday
then Saturday........
this Monday
came and went.
I realized that we would not meet our daughter in person before Christmas. I dont know where in my mind a vision of her sweet little face lit up with the glow from the Christmas tree lights has come from. But I see it every once in awhile and I really thought I would get to see it in real life.

It just wont happen.

The council closes from Dec 17th to the end of the year and it will take two weeks to get the court processes done and the bonding period complete. Even if we scrambled and just got on the next plane out we just wouldnt be able to get it done.

There is nothing I can physically do to change this. I wont be watching her open Christmas gifts ....... that sweet little girl that haunts my dreams, like a phantom slipping in and out. I can hear her laughter and feel her soft hair as it brushes up against my face. My heart is breaking yet again for the things that wont be.

Now please, dont take that and run with it either, God can and will restore the years the locust has eaten, its in His word so it is true. But let me just be real. I need to allow myself to grieve before I can move on. Lets face it, I am a mother. I long for those moments again.........

As I sobbed in the foyer last night, my friend held me tightly.
She cried with me and promised me that she would join me in grieving.
But I have to be willing to "go there" for her to join me.
You know, not many people want to be around someone that grieves for so long.

But it only takes one.

Let me end with my verse for today. I couldnt find it the other day and today there it was!

But we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
And perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts
by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

- Romans 5:3-5

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


So yesterday and today I have been rolling this word around in my head. Like a beautiful word as it slips off the tongue. Its Holiday time, Thanksgiving just passed us by and now we are headed towards Christmas. I am just thinking about what weve been blessed with, the need around us and Gods gifts........
We went through hard financial times after we moved. that was 13 years ago- I am reminded time and time again that we never went without what we needed and our faith was strengthened. God was our provider and His word is true. Back then I resolved that when we were better off financially I would do for others. I am so glad to be on this side of the giving.

I have been following another Blog/ story of a family that has encouraged me. I sat back and watched/ read as their daughter decided that she wanted to raise the money to adopt a sweet little girl in an Orphanage far away. Now in Eastern countries children are institutionalized after about 4-5 years of age if they havent been adopted. But I kept praying that God really would ride in on his white horse and save the day. That this family would have a Thanksgiving miracle. I am not sure if I lacked the faith that it would happen tho'. I commented on the blog, "if you come up short you wont give up will you?" I know with our adoption we signed on the dotted line BEFORE we had the finances. All we knew was that God was calling us to more....... bigger. I wrestled with the issues of the finances. It seemed so big. But I knew from what God had done in our past and continued to do that it was possible. Yesterday I made my coffee, sat down to catch up on the blogs and wept as I read that in 9 days they had not only met the goal of $20 thousand but Exceeded it. The mother said that she is amazed that the money has not stopped coming in even after they reached their goal. They have now started adding all the surplus to another familys account. So not only did God use His people to do one Thanksgiving miracle but two!

Ephesians 3 comes to mind. Esp. vs. 20 Now unto him (Christ) who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.

I am praying that while we wait to bring "Little G" home that God will continue to work out our faith...... perseverance.