I know, You say that word and think that someone has died.
We think of death.
I am trying to give myself a little, can I say it...... grace.
I need to let myself grieve.
Dont worry, we havent lost someone..... I am so blessed, our family is healthy and well.
But I am grieving.
I said it.
It took a friend to help me find the words.
Have you ever just been so bogged down
you couldnt even find the words to express what is inside you?
Sometimes it just takes someone coming up alongside you that can see it.
Someone that can see the trees in spite of the forest.
I am not the only one.
Many will grieve during the Holidays.
They have a new diagnosis.
Recently lost a loved one.
The Holidays bring up memories, feelings.
Time and time again this past year I have found myself speechless.
That is a pretty hard task.
But yesterday I was right back
A friend called and I am ashamed to admit I was still in bed. I wont tell you what time it was. We had a storm roll through and the Great Dane gets so upset, pacing up and down the halls whining. I didnt want to get out of bed and let her in our room because I didnt want to wake DH up. And many nights once I am still it takes me awhile for my head to be quiet and actually fall asleep. So I slept in.
Back to my story...... so this friend calls first thing in the Am then she calls again mid afternoon. We were working on spelling. Now if youve seen my sons spelling you will know I just couldnt stop what I was doing and answer the phone. But the sad part is that I couldnt bring myself to call her back. I knew why she was calling. I just couldnt talk. I was in "that place" I took son to church early to "hang out" and went to get hair cut. Then came home and cooked supper. I really was thinking that I could figure out a way to not have time to go back to church and go to youth group. But darn it if I didnt get it all done with time to spare. So I went.
All it took was me letting my guard down for a split second and the tears started, then the sobbing. I must've sobbed for 30 min. The sad thing is that there is so much left, I am actually crying as I type this and was crying in bed last night. It is a beautiful release but I cant get it to stop. I have a deep desire to just stay at home in my flannel pants, t-shirt and warm socks. It is safe there. I dont want to be thought of as "fragile" a "drama queen". I want people to know that I DO trust God, that he IS near to me, He is my Savior, I have the faith of ....... well I want to think something much bigger than a mustard seed! But this mountain hasnt moved yet. What is God waiting on? What have I not done to get this moving? (really, understand that I dont think God is a slot machine and that if I do this or that I will get my way..... but let me be brutally honest here, just this moment let me say what is in my head. He knows it already.) But I keep running from the grief and not letting myself feel what is real. I have a fear that it will distract others from my true beliefs and faith..........
This friend that had chased me all day told me that this grieving is okay.
It doesnt mean that I dont have faith.
It proves that I am human.
If I am so concerned with appearances, who does that help?
Does it help anyone?
"Im wondering, What does that do for you?" She asked.
Minimizing it only hurts me in the long run- why am I doing that to myself. I wouldnt do that to someone else that I know. Even someone that I dont like. I find myself offering excuses for others and their behavior. Why cant I just let myself be human, that tenderhearted person that God has created me to be? (really, I swerve for butterflies........ ) I was WAY past 30 before I even liked myself. Big ole ninny baby. Just Stop being so tenderhearted! Then I started seeing it as a gift. God makes us all diferent and this helps me be the prayer warrior. You tell me something and buddy I will "feel it" for you and that will bring me to my knees on your behalf. God can whisper your name in my ear, or I see your face and I am right at his throne for you. Im not tooting my own horn. I am just saying that I have come to see the value of my gifts and talents instead of trying to hide them and "fix" them.
Its dawned on me that we will spend another Christmas without "little G".
When last Friday
came and went.
I realized that we would not meet our daughter in person before Christmas. I dont know where in my mind a vision of her sweet little face lit up with the glow from the Christmas tree lights has come from. But I see it every once in awhile and I really thought I would get to see it in real life.
It just wont happen.
The council closes from Dec 17th to the end of the year and it will take two weeks to get the court processes done and the bonding period complete. Even if we scrambled and just got on the next plane out we just wouldnt be able to get it done.
There is nothing I can physically do to change this. I wont be watching her open Christmas gifts ....... that sweet little girl that haunts my dreams, like a phantom slipping in and out. I can hear her laughter and feel her soft hair as it brushes up against my face. My heart is breaking yet again for the things that wont be.
Now please, dont take that and run with it either, God can and will restore the years the locust has eaten, its in His word so it is true. But let me just be real. I need to allow myself to grieve before I can move on. Lets face it, I am a mother. I long for those moments again.........
As I sobbed in the foyer last night, my friend held me tightly.
She cried with me and promised me that she would join me in grieving.
But I have to be willing to "go there" for her to join me.
You know, not many people want to be around someone that grieves for so long.
But it only takes one.
Let me end with my verse for today. I couldnt find it the other day and today there it was!
But we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
And perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts
by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
- Romans 5:3-5