Angst

angst
/aNG(k)st/ Noun
A feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.
A feeling of persistent worry about something trivial.
Synonyms: anxiety

I went to an adoption ceremony today.
Sometimes I wonder what gets into my head to lead me to believe I can do things like this
Outings With Lil G, on my own.
I forget that it's all I can do to get dressed and out the door without feeling Like I had been hit by a Mack truck. No joke.

I really wanted to support this friend,
It was scheduled for 3:30 pm so not like it was 8 am or something.
I left around noon, we grabbed some lunch,
I ran by a store to purchase another fitted sheet for our bed with their 20% off coupon.
Picked up a gift real quick since it was a last minute plan.
(I didn't know the ceremony was today till last night)

We had to find parking, then oh my gosh,"do I even have any change?! " for the meter.
The wind was crazy. It made me feel frazzled with every hair blowing a different direction.
Purple hair I might add.
I .kid. you. not. (Thank God it's semi permanent. Didn't have time to wash it with color oops. )
Where was I.....
Okay, so I locked G in the car , radio on and bucked in her carseat to jog three car lengths down to pay the machine and get my receipt. (Whoever thought of this idea is not a parent of a child with special needs) jog back, got the stroller, coats on, camera bag, huge mom purse ,and child)
Walked/ran up the sidewalk
inside the door - a fiasco in itself!
to find security checks, duh.
Welcome to reality.
So the judges chambers is on the sixth floor.
Have I told you I have a fear of heights?
There was no time for that. I pushed the number six and tried to pretend that I was holding my husbands strong arm. Got off the elevator to see the family waiting to hear, " oh we are so glad you made it! The judge is ready. I was just getting ready to call and see where you were.
If Id known I would've left 30 min just for parking and getting inside!

So we enter the chambers and Lil G is full of herself.
I'm not joking when I tell you I asked her to use her inside voice a thousand times.
I was so embarrassed and still wearing my leather coat,
I broke out in a sweat and could literally feel my whole body radiating.
Call it what you want, a personal season, menopause, anxiety.....
It was all I could do to not start sobbing.
I felt like excusing myself. But I couldn't move.

We drove home. Complete silence.
No radio. All I said was ," mommy is not happy."
After sobbing for about 30 mins, while laughing.
Go figure. I still feel on the verge of tears.
Some days I just don't know how I thought I could do this.
I get taken so far past my comfort zone I don't know how I don't break,
Except for the grace of God.......
Some days it's all grace isn't it.......