Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Looking high and low

Im sorry for my absence.
 I've been searching for something
Very valuable to me.

 For a week now
 things have been turned upside down.
The days started off so abnormal
 I felt like the ground was constantly swaying beneath me
Internally it was if I would reach my hand out to grab
 something to steady me
 Like someone searching for
 lost Car keys,
 A drink,
(ive been loosing everything!)

 I have been watching my beautiful little G searching,
 To find some little parts of her
that bring me comfort.
A mischievous twinkle in her eye
Dancing to music,
signing or words,
 Laughter Like wind chimes twinkling in a gentle breeze.
Constantly on alert.

  Is that a seizure?

 Is that you? 

 Is this what tomorrow will look like? 

 Have I lost you forever?

 Will the medication rob us of our lil G?
 I keep positive, Commenting, "No seizures since Thursday."
 Focusing on the positive.
The fear rearing it's ugly head.
 Now it's not the seizures robbing us of normal.
 But the medication.
  Will you just come and go from now on?
With each little glimpse of the girl I knew on Monday,
 that came and went on Tuesday
, Almost like a game of peek-a-boo on Wednesday.
She totally slipped from my grip on Thursday
 and then started reappearing for a few minutes here and there by evening.....
 I'm learning to take things maybe an hour at a time.

  What is normal?
 We speak of a "new normal"
what if I don't like it?

If I had known,
What would I have done differently?
 I would like to say that I had been "all present".
 The regrets,
Striving for perfection.
They won't get me anywhere positive.

 I am doing better
 finding a huge sense of relief
when those broken moments are longer.
The laughter ringing in my ears are a balm to my soul.
 The hints of hope that I won't loose her for good.
 That maybe just maybe we will get our little G back.
  Maybe the "new normal" will be new and improved?

 In the midst of this
 I am learning a new level of compassion.
 There is something that happens in a mothers heart and soul
 when a child goes through something of this magnitude.
 God, for some reason wanted me to know how it felt.
 So I could say the words, "I understand." with real passion.
There were moments I felt like a dead man walking.
 Yesterday for instance as I went to the store
looking for something,
 she might eat or drink.
Something that would settle her tummy
 so she wouldn't feel so agitated.
 I walked by the card section
 hot tears sliding down my face.
 The knowledge that none of the fathers would get fathers day cards
 because we were in crisis mode.
 I asked the ladies restocking the shelf
 if they might have some leftover
that they had put in the boxes on the floor.
  they were rude.
 How could they know that it felt important to me,
 to show the parents that weren't supportive of our adoption
 that having her wasn't going to change anything.
 The need to prove them wrong heavy on my shoulders.
Wanting to show them
Their worries /concerns were unjustified.

 Learning a new level of grace.

Savoring the moments.
Being thankful 
 choosing to find God in the midst of it.
trying to treasure the good moments and not let the hard questions
the unknowns
rob me of the little joys.......

PS. I typed this earlier this morning while G was napping.
She woke up more like herself than I have seen all week.
not going from one strong emotion to the next...
an out of control roller coaster.
I let her play in the pool gave her a bath, 
manicure-good for wild hands
and let her watch TV with big sister.

Shes asking for rice, cook, kitchen.
maybe the new dosing is helping already
this is looking so much better.......


  1. Oh, this broke my heart...for you, for her. Thank you for your honesty and for inviting grace in the middle of it all. Many prayers for both of you!

  2. Oh my sweet and beautiful friend. I recognize the words you wrote. They could have been mine on so many days on this journey I have had with my own little love. My heart hurt for you, knowing all too well the pain within your very own heart. I DO understand. I know the depth of your fear. I understand the helplessness of these moments.

    I have learned to live in the moment. the here and now.A gift really. Bestowed upon me, unfairly given to me by my daughter. So little. So fragile. So innocent. And so very forgiving.

    G is no different. Her strength will be yours. I promise. how did we get here, you and I? A strange and ironic twist. One I do not like but I can't ignore. For God knew this all before we did. And so He placed you and I in each others path. Way back when with another sweet and innocent child. Not coincidence but rather God being anonymous.

    Sending you prayers of peace, bound by grace as you pass through these days.

    Love to you all from California.

  3. Oh, Anna, it pains me to read this. Ironically, I was thinking of Heather and Zoey when I read this. I know Heather's talked about Zoey's medication several times. While I'm so glad G woke up as her usual self after her nap, could it be that her body and mind are just getting used to the medication? And once she's able to balance how she feels, she can begin to come back to who she really is? Hang in there...please give your Princess a big hug and a kiss from me and Sammi. Thinking of you...

  4. I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. But when I read this... "choosing to find God in the midst of it. trying to treasure the good moments and not let the hard questions the unknowns rob me of the little joys." I knew you would be alright. You are choosing to reach out for Him in the storm and He will be there for you. ((Love and prayers))


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