Looking high and low

Im sorry for my absence.

 I've been searching for something

Someone

Very valuable to me.

 For a week now

 things have been turned upside down.

The days started off so abnormal

 I felt like the ground was constantly swaying beneath me

Internally it was if I would reach my hand out to grab

 something to steady me

Something

 Someone.

 Like someone searching for

 lost Car keys,

 cellphone,

 A drink,

(ive been loosing everything!)

 I have been watching my beautiful little G searching,

 To find some little parts of her

that bring me comfort.

A mischievous twinkle in her eye

Dancing to music,

signing or words,

 Laughter Like wind chimes twinkling in a gentle breeze.

Constantly on alert.

  Is that a seizure?

 Is that you? 

 Is this what tomorrow will look like? 

 Have I lost you forever?

 Will the medication rob us of our lil G?

 I keep positive, Commenting, "No seizures since Thursday."

 Focusing on the positive.

The fear rearing it's ugly head.

 Now it's not the seizures robbing us of normal.

 But the medication.

  Will you just come and go from now on?

With each little glimpse of the girl I knew on Monday,

 that came and went on Tuesday

, Almost like a game of peek-a-boo on Wednesday.

She totally slipped from my grip on Thursday

 and then started reappearing for a few minutes here and there by evening.....

 I'm learning to take things maybe an hour at a time.

 Normal.

  What is normal?

 We speak of a "new normal"

what if I don't like it?

If I had known,

What would I have done differently?

 I would like to say that I had been "all present".

Available.

 The regrets,

Striving for perfection.

They won't get me anywhere positive.

 I am doing better

 finding a huge sense of relief

when those broken moments are longer.

The laughter ringing in my ears are a balm to my soul.

 The hints of hope that I won't loose her for good.

 That maybe just maybe we will get our little G back.

  Maybe the "new normal" will be new and improved?

 In the midst of this

 I am learning a new level of compassion.

 There is something that happens in a mothers heart and soul

 when a child goes through something of this magnitude.

 God, for some reason wanted me to know how it felt.

 So I could say the words, "I understand." with real passion.

There were moments I felt like a dead man walking.

 Yesterday for instance as I went to the store

looking for something,

 anything

 she might eat or drink.

Something that would settle her tummy

 so she wouldn't feel so agitated.

 I walked by the card section

 hot tears sliding down my face.

 The knowledge that none of the fathers would get fathers day cards

 because we were in crisis mode.

 I asked the ladies restocking the shelf

 if they might have some leftover

that they had put in the boxes on the floor.

  they were rude.

 How could they know that it felt important to me,

 to show the parents that weren't supportive of our adoption

 that having her wasn't going to change anything.

 The need to prove them wrong heavy on my shoulders.

Wanting to show them

Their worries /concerns were unjustified.

 Learning a new level of grace.

Savoring the moments.

Being thankful 

 choosing to find God in the midst of it.

trying to treasure the good moments and not let the hard questions

the unknowns

rob me of the little joys.......

PS. I typed this earlier this morning while G was napping.

She woke up more like herself than I have seen all week.

not going from one strong emotion to the next...

an out of control roller coaster.

I let her play in the pool gave her a bath, 

manicure-good for wild hands

and let her watch TV with big sister.

Shes asking for rice, cook, kitchen.

maybe the new dosing is helping already

this is looking so much better.......