just this one thing.........

I have been following other blogs out there and just love reading what other people are thinking and feeling. What they are sewing, and knitting, the sales, and coupon deals..... I got a sweet e-mail this morning about my post on "being real" and then I read a post on another blog and it brought up something that I havent been talking about......
Something that I really dont want to think about.


Mind if I ramble along a bit?

There is this dream.
There is this thought......
But as soon as my heart feels it.
As soon as my brain thinks it.
I shut down.
There is NO WAY I should think this thought.
This shouldnt be on the radar.
Stop thinking about this.
Dont start this merry-go -round.
You cannot dream this dream and think this thought.

Imagine what it must feel like to have a gift, a talent,and each time you think about writing, or painting...... being creative. Someone yells loudly,

"NOOOOOoooooo!!! You cant paint(or insert hobby here) any more.

Then the list in your head starts why this cant be a reality.(heres my pretend list)
You never went to art school. You have three grown children that need you. What about little G!? She has only been home a few months and she has down syndrome you know. She needs you. If you get out the brushes and paint you wont be able to give her all the attention she needs. You know once you start a painting how distrated you get. You surely wont have time to knit, or do fun girl things with your daughter...... the list gets longer and longer.House isnt clean enough, you havent lost weight...... you know what Im talking about dont you.

So
I dont share the yearning
to pick up the brushes,
or sit at the computer and write....
whatever that yearning,
that dream is.

I just dont like not even being able to be true with myself.

Whats the point
in being an artist
(or___________)
if I cant create?
Why would God give me the talent without the ability.......

Im just saying,
Whats the point of me rambling on and on about being real,
when I dont even know how to be real with myself.
On just this one thing.
Dont ask me to talk about it when I cant even think it.


I remain,
Under His wings,
Anna