Valentines Day and loving.....

I have something to share

with a blog, another post.

and a link,

and another link.

We celebrate love, and loving this month,

and I want to celebrate the love in Adoption....

Bloggers talking about PAD- Post Adoption Depression.

If you are getting ready to adopt

have adopted

know someone......

please share this post

Because I have linked 6 blogs

sharing what I am getting ready to say

all with different words.

But its all the same.

Mamas willing to talk openly about their experiences.

Its hard to admit, "I know that that feels like."

Its hard to say,

" I love this child, but not like I loved my Bio children."

( how I felt in the beginning)

I felt like there was something wrong with me

because I wanted to feel it,

I couldnt share-

process the reality

much less find words

spoken out loud.

the unknown........

you really are happy,

you really do love this child.

But its not what you thought it would feel like

the sleep deprivation

the culture shock

and the fear of what tomorrow

or next week,

or next year

might look like.

The fear just has a way of robbing you of the joy.

"Hey, you WANTED this, you wanted this child."

"Weve listened to you talk about this for years.

I dont want to hear your reality."

these comments, never spoken, rang in my ears.

Deep inside the mama wondered,

if this child will ever say,"I love you."

But willingly goes to a random stranger at an airport,

or the grocery store

and holds arms wide

to be picked up.

And you just want to stay home

because its easier.

And this child trusts you,

but you arent sure if you trust yourself.

Who is this child?

I am supposed to be her mama?

What is her favorite color?

What is she feeling?

What is she thinking

when all thats before you is a child rocking to her own rhythms,

and grinding her teeth.

And you try whispering Spanish sweet nothings into little ears

and it sounds so foriegn in your own

this is not what," I love you." sounds like.

You start learning a new love language

a new way of loving

(pressing I love yous into each others heart)

Then prayer.....

and time

(This is feb 2010)

God,

grace,

and more time.....

I can breathe better now

now that its all in the past

Its easier on this side,

I now KNOW

she will learn

she is smart

she will tell me she loves me

unprompted.

She will shower me with kisses.

We will learn together.

We will start talking in that new language

and she will learn I dont like mornings so much,

I will learn

Her favorite color is purple.

She loves rainbows,

and butterflies,

and routine.

We will laugh together

and cry together.

And share desserts

and colds.....

And it will look and feel very very good.

You dont have to do it on your own

Even if you are afraid

Trust yourself.

Ask for help.

Keep sharing about hard places

telling our stories

Because if there is more than one

we each can find comfort knowing

we arent alone.

Under His wings,

Anna