sink or swim....... or float?????

I know its been while but life is so different with a toddler in the house!
We went to Orlando for a week and little G was able to meet her Paternal Grandparents. They were smitten, as well as her Aunt and Uncle and cousins. I know it was important for them to meet but find myself wondering if the trip was such a good idea so soon after we came home? Little G and I had a great time at the hotel, the pool was phenominal to say the least. Four pools linked together by a lazy river. She wasnt to sure about the water on the first day but by the time we left she would let go of me and kick her legs. (she was also busy signing water!!!)

I am still dealing with alot of emotions and feelings that are hard to give names. I think that after such a hard process I am just tired. Emotionally and physically. Then you add reality to the mix in huge doses. In Ecuador I wasnt having to cook or clean. We had a maid come in and our host did all the cooking for us. I am afraid I left my cooking mojo somewhere along the way. We have eaten supper at 8pm a few nights because I wait too long, get too busy, or just dont know what to cook. sigh. P hasnt complained. I just feel like I cant get anything done in a timely manner. Then if I am doing cleaning or laundry Im not keeping up with little G. Her room is babyproofed so she is fine in there but its hard for me to allow behaviors, which shall remain nameless, to go on without reprimand and I also feel like she needs to be stimulated or entertained. She takes an incredible nap but its hard for me to lie down when SO MUCH needs to be done!

Now....... on to the topic of affection and bonding. I am having a HARD time with others showing affection to her. I dont mind her meeting a friend or acquaintance and giving them a polite hug or such. But G DEMANDS to be held, snuggled, kissed and hugged. It takes my breath away and hurts my heart. I tend to just tell her no and explain to the person that we are in the process of bonding and learning appropriate affection for others. But it leaves me feeling guilt and such a pain in my heart to see the disappointment or questioning look on their face. These are my friends. These are people that have prayed for her. Prayed for two years with us! I know they are just aching to be a part of her life too...... Many times after two or three times I have given in and G gets her way.(not good) I am now fighting the urge to just stay home because its easier. I dont know why I didnt see all this coming, but we dont know what things will really look like on the other side do we? You have an idea, a dream. But reality sometimes looks different. Please be patient with me. I am feling like Ive been thrown in the ocean..... and I dont swim well mind you. I asked the orphanage director what she thought of all of it and she said it sounded perfectly normal. Grace and I are just learning so much together. She said to just relax and float. Im trying.......

Here are the few tips Ive been given recently. let me know if you have any thoughts or ideas as we try to swim/float through such muddy waters.

Call Drs etc in advance and explain the situation so they are aware of our wishes.(last week we had an appt and I was upset that the whole time the Dr held and cuddled her. I did finally step in when G got overstimulated and plunked her in daddys lap- the Dr insisted it was fine. Not really... for me I mean.)

Many that have adopted older children have told us we need to stay at home as much as possible in the first 3-6 months to allow little G to settle into things. These children get overstimulated very easy and have been through alot of trauma in the transition. (so maybe my fight/flight response is helping?)


I feel Fall in the air...... the shadows are growing longer and there is a breeze. Might not be cool just yet but its coming......

I remain,
Under His wings,
Anna