When I saw this post over at Linnys blog I thought it was going to be about Francis Chan's book. Ive read and heard so much about it and I am waiting on my copy. Our youth group is watching the video series and the leader was ordering a few copies of the book..... one for me.
But Linnys post was about actually DOING it.
God provided the finances we needed to adopt our little one. Our church family was SO gracious. I wish there was a way I could know who did what so that I could privately take them aside and make sure they knew just how greatful we are. We have been members of Woodbine United Methodist Church for awhile over 9 years.
Then we waited.
Month after month........
Its been a little over 18 mos.......
it was a long rainy winter.
I cannot tell you how much my brain is appreciating sunshine.
REALLY.
I never lost faith.
I never gave up.
But I tell you what, some of the faith was like God multiplying mine.
I had just this teeny tiny bit and he took it and made it bigger.( I asked the jeweler to hold aside a mustard seed charm for the charm bracelet my 20 yo gave me for Christmas. With a heart engraved "I love you Mom." What 20 year old struggling man does this? I wear it every day. It's already so scratched up, but its loved.) I had the mustard seed and He moved the mountain. More than one actually! Back in mid February this really was a hopeless situation. I knew that the only way for little G to come home was for God to do a miracle.....
or two.......
or three......
Now that we finally got the phone call to fly I am ashamed at the anxiety that is creeping up within. We had tentative travel plans which were staying with a missionary family. We are now entering their busy season and I fear that we will need to make other arrangements last minute to work it out.Thats fine. I know that if he could do what he has already done this will be a breeze. But it does weigh on me.
I had it all set for me to stay in Ecuador when husband had to return home so that I could bond with little one the whole 6-8 weeks. Since she has down syndrome this bonding process will be extremely important. So if you could please keep that in mind. I know God is a God of details and HE has done such an incredible job so far! I may hear back from them and it will all fall into place or the director of the orphanage might allow us to stay in the guesthouse. I almost shudder to mention this because I know that its not common and I would NEVER think it and dont know why Im posting it.......
I have people offering to donate Delta frequent Flyer miles and I need prayer that simple me can figure out the process and do it. And I have been praying that things will work out "just so" so that my 16 year old can go and stay with me the entire trip. But that is just a want and not a need. We will just have to see how many miles it takes for each ticket, how many we have , how much it costs to transfer the miles..... you know.
details.
God knows them.
I am teaching art classes in the DJJ and just so you know that was a blessing. I told them I couldnt teach this year because of our pending adoption. Then I got chosen?! Just God. I will get done this week and get paid just in the nick of time for our trip. CRAZY?! I was also asked to paint the mural in the nursery and Im praying so hard that I can multi task and get it done before we leave. I am paying my daughter to help me with the mural. She helped me with the Dora one in Gs room and we work well together. She found out her workplace was closing for good when school let out. God is faithful! I need help and she needs to pay her bills.
One last prayer need. I have gained a few pounds while being "expectant". SO FRUSTRATING! I usually wont buy clothes in the next size so I am working hard on eating right so that I can get back in my wardrobe. (and concerned that wont happen!) I am not a shopper and I am praying I can find some things at the consignment store to take.(if the weight doesnt come off as fast as it seems to go on!) I will be looking for things that might not wrinkle, pack well and be versatile. I want to look nice and kept but be comfortable since I will be in the floor and on the ground etc playing with our new daughter. I keep eyeing things in Lands End and other brands that I know will hold up and wash/wear well but I wont spend the money while I am heavier than I want to be. Therein lies the problem.
All of this is hard for me to discuss because it is talking about those concerns that I hope will go away and I dont have to voice them. I am praying God has the answers and that He will fix it all! He has done so many miracles that I trust him completely with all my concerns. Telling you so that you can pray for me is difficult. So Im trusting you......... with more hidden things of the heart.
I continue to rest-
Under His wings,
Anna
Living life..... From The Heart.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"A work in progress" still under construction - part 2
Remember I told you how I felt like God was revealing himself.
That sweet self........
By allowing us to see little glimpses of HIM,
His hand in this adoption.
Remember on Monday "R" shared a story? Part 1
"R" and her family were celebrating
it was their little boy's going home party
when the Orphanage Director got the call
that the paper had been signed-
A YEAR LATER!!!!!! (this past Thursday)
when it was announced everyone in the room started laughing cheering and clapping......
know I already told you this,
but I just had to tell it again!
What a kind loving God.
Someone was there that could/would share the little details with me
and tell me," For some reason Little G walked over to me, I picked her up as she laughed and clapped in my arms."
There was a mother there for her when she needed it.
Someone could share with me that my prayers are being answered. I have been praying that the Holy Spirit would be in her and helping her to understand
this BIG ROCK YOUR WORLD THING!
Little G, you have a family!
You are going to have a new name a new home...........
You are SO LOVED!
The price has been paid!
are you getting where my mind goes with this?
This is a beautiful story. Its not just for the Jews,
Easter is coming dear friends!
HE conquered Death for us!
We are adopted into the family because of the sacrifice.....
I was so thankful that God chose that moment for the orphanage to get the call.
He is tender and full of mercy.
I then read a post that said more of what I was feeling and thinking.
I asked Amy if I could share.
Now, I have to let you know that the first time I read her blog the caption at the top Took my breath away and rocked my inner man.... that part of my soul that was already grieving for being called to this place of ministry and being left in "the waiting" place. that part of me thats always been striving to be more......
"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed.
I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water.
I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported.
I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes.
I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness.
I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved...
whatever you have done to the least of these, you've done it to Me."
- Matthew 25 according to Richard Stearns, President of World Vision
So without further ado:
Read this.
I remain,
Under His wings,
Anna
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Spring cleaning
Im not sure if you remember me posting about this song a month or so ago here.
But I am revisiting this place.
I kept looking for hope......
the longing.......
the dreams of a future......
I was ready for a new season.
But was I really?
I think before the journey could take this turn I had to wrestle with issues that had been hiding in that closet.
Do have one of those?
I think if we are all being honest we do.
We needed to do some spring cleaning didnt we?
But I am revisiting this place.
I kept looking for hope......
the longing.......
the dreams of a future......
I was ready for a new season.
But was I really?
I think before the journey could take this turn I had to wrestle with issues that had been hiding in that closet.
Do have one of those?
I think if we are all being honest we do.
We needed to do some spring cleaning didnt we?
Monday, March 22, 2010
"A work in progress" still under construction
Let me just say that I now understand the true meaning of this saying. "You cannot completely understand true Joy until you have experienced true grief." Those contrasts, opposites, define each other. When you have walked a path of true, deep, immoblizing grief the joy that comes in the morning is a joy that I have rarely experienced in my 40 years of living. I have lost loved ones. I know grief. But the grief of loving someone and having a dream all wrapped up in one and knowing all hope is lost....... that is something completely different. When my grandmothers and a dear dear friend passed away. I knew there was hope! I knew there was something, some place so much better waiting for them. But this adoption red-tape. This knowing that I could not fix it.
Well..... I trusted God.
I wanted to have hope.
I knew God could do it.
But would He?
That was the question.
That was the million dollar question.
Was this still his will for us and for Little G?
That dying inside that came with knowing He could but would he? My husband and I KNEW we werent to walk away until God said it was over. We continued to lean on Him and those baby steps were so tiny, minsicule. This joy is like the joy we had when our Biological children were born. I remember not being able to sleep for days. I just couldnt lie that little one down, the seconds were ticking and I didnt want to miss one! There are days that I take a look at the men and women that they are now and it takes my breath away. How did we get here?
Whew! This is BIG!
Let me give you some sweet details. You have been on this journey with me and you need to know more!
Our sweet "little G" was raised on a piece of property owned by Nate Saint or his family-cant remember those Exact details, now our Orphanage. Have you read "Through gates of Splendor" ? How about hear of Jim Elliot? Remember the movie in 2006 "End of the spear" Our little one has spent 4 years and misc. months here. I owned the book. The old, old copy written in the 50's. When our adoption agency Dir told me all this back in the Fall I went scrambling to find it and much to my dismay its gone. I dont know if I lent it out or it fell apart.......
This is an e-mail I got from one of the families IN Ecuador Adopting their son.:
Congratulations, Anna!!!
We are so thrilled for you guys and for "little G" We actually were standing next to Melinda, and J's going away party, when she got the call, so we knew the news on Friday afternoon. Everyone was SO happy for you and "Little G" when Melinda announced the news. "little G" got really excited and started clapping and laughing. For some reason she came over to me, so I picked her up and held her while she was clapping. It was a very special moment, and we were so glad that it happened while everyone was together for J's party. (note: names changed to protect the innocent)
'Yall. This is a glimpse of MY GOD!
Have I said, This is BIG?????
I keep waking up singing this song.
Just a quote to share......
"You must pray with all your might. That does not mean saying your prayers, or sitting gazing about in church or chapel with eyes wide open while someone else says them for you. It means fervent, effectual, untiring wrestling with God. This kind of prayer be sure the devil and world and your own Indolent, unbelieving nature will oppose. They will pour water on this flame."
- Willaim Booth
Well..... I trusted God.
I wanted to have hope.
I knew God could do it.
But would He?
That was the question.
That was the million dollar question.
Was this still his will for us and for Little G?
That dying inside that came with knowing He could but would he? My husband and I KNEW we werent to walk away until God said it was over. We continued to lean on Him and those baby steps were so tiny, minsicule. This joy is like the joy we had when our Biological children were born. I remember not being able to sleep for days. I just couldnt lie that little one down, the seconds were ticking and I didnt want to miss one! There are days that I take a look at the men and women that they are now and it takes my breath away. How did we get here?
Whew! This is BIG!
Let me give you some sweet details. You have been on this journey with me and you need to know more!
Our sweet "little G" was raised on a piece of property owned by Nate Saint or his family-cant remember those Exact details, now our Orphanage. Have you read "Through gates of Splendor" ? How about hear of Jim Elliot? Remember the movie in 2006 "End of the spear" Our little one has spent 4 years and misc. months here. I owned the book. The old, old copy written in the 50's. When our adoption agency Dir told me all this back in the Fall I went scrambling to find it and much to my dismay its gone. I dont know if I lent it out or it fell apart.......
This is an e-mail I got from one of the families IN Ecuador Adopting their son.:
Congratulations, Anna!!!
We are so thrilled for you guys and for "little G" We actually were standing next to Melinda, and J's going away party, when she got the call, so we knew the news on Friday afternoon. Everyone was SO happy for you and "Little G" when Melinda announced the news. "little G" got really excited and started clapping and laughing. For some reason she came over to me, so I picked her up and held her while she was clapping. It was a very special moment, and we were so glad that it happened while everyone was together for J's party. (note: names changed to protect the innocent)
'Yall. This is a glimpse of MY GOD!
Have I said, This is BIG?????
I keep waking up singing this song.
Bible verse on Sunday: Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship(GK translation:poiema - we get poem from it.product- like fabric, artwork, thing that is made)created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I Want to be something beautiful! A materpiece created by him....... like a beautiful handknit, a painting. He knows how to speak my language.....
Now, The Message version:
Ephesians 2:7-11 Now God has us where He wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving us is all His idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We dont play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Just a quote to share......
"You must pray with all your might. That does not mean saying your prayers, or sitting gazing about in church or chapel with eyes wide open while someone else says them for you. It means fervent, effectual, untiring wrestling with God. This kind of prayer be sure the devil and world and your own Indolent, unbelieving nature will oppose. They will pour water on this flame."
- Willaim Booth
Saturday, March 20, 2010
"It feels like a child at Christmas!"
We feel like death warmed over today......
All I can tell you is I heard my husband say this as he fell asleep finally at 1:30am.
"I feel like a little boy at Christmas."
Then,
"I feel like a big boy the day of a Powerlifitng meet."
I replied, " That was honey to my heart to hear."
He asked ,"why?"
Then I said," Because sometimes I think this was all about you making me happy. You just got tired of me crying because I wanted to have little people in our home again."
Then he said, " Oh, but I love little people too....."
Sigh, can it get any better than that?
We are a team united........
This was about more than just having little people in our home again.
They grow up.
We know that.
But you know how satan gets in your head and whispers untruth.......
Then I was up at 4:30 head spinning mind whilrling. (when the benadryl wore off)
Laid there until 5:45 and got up and took another benadryl and something for my freaked out tummy- it does this when I dont get rest. sigh......
But, after that grief,
This is GOOD,
So very very good.
It was incredible to hear from our adoption agency as I am driving,
Then walking up the sidewalk at church for a meeting.
I took one look at the door and as God would have it one of my friends that has been here for me FOREVER it seems was standing there greeting and handing out nametags. I started sobbing and the church started unloading with people coming out to cry, hug, and praise God together.
Women I have fallen in love with because of this journey.
Women that have been there in the truest way......
And our pastor.
Our shepherd.
And his beautiful wife.
Just beyond words.
REALLY.
Grace is so loved!
We are loved!
This is so BIG!
Now Its nine am and I am so surprised the phone hasnt been ringing off the hook.
This is what I had this in my e-mail from last night.
(Paul was the one to send out a note to my "adoption update list")
"Jaci Buenas noticias, el CNNA resolvio favorable para que Grace pueda ser adoptada por los Wallis. Mandare por fax la semana proxima entre jueves o viernes la carta de asignacion del Comite de Asignacion saludosMJB "
Next week will start with calling immigrations!
Paperwork!
Under His wings,
Anna
All I can tell you is I heard my husband say this as he fell asleep finally at 1:30am.
"I feel like a little boy at Christmas."
Then,
"I feel like a big boy the day of a Powerlifitng meet."
I replied, " That was honey to my heart to hear."
He asked ,"why?"
Then I said," Because sometimes I think this was all about you making me happy. You just got tired of me crying because I wanted to have little people in our home again."
Then he said, " Oh, but I love little people too....."
Sigh, can it get any better than that?
We are a team united........
This was about more than just having little people in our home again.
They grow up.
We know that.
But you know how satan gets in your head and whispers untruth.......
Then I was up at 4:30 head spinning mind whilrling. (when the benadryl wore off)
Laid there until 5:45 and got up and took another benadryl and something for my freaked out tummy- it does this when I dont get rest. sigh......
But, after that grief,
This is GOOD,
So very very good.
It was incredible to hear from our adoption agency as I am driving,
Then walking up the sidewalk at church for a meeting.
I took one look at the door and as God would have it one of my friends that has been here for me FOREVER it seems was standing there greeting and handing out nametags. I started sobbing and the church started unloading with people coming out to cry, hug, and praise God together.
Women I have fallen in love with because of this journey.
Women that have been there in the truest way......
And our pastor.
Our shepherd.
And his beautiful wife.
Just beyond words.
REALLY.
Grace is so loved!
We are loved!
This is so BIG!
Now Its nine am and I am so surprised the phone hasnt been ringing off the hook.
This is what I had this in my e-mail from last night.
(Paul was the one to send out a note to my "adoption update list")
"Jaci Buenas noticias, el CNNA resolvio favorable para que Grace pueda ser adoptada por los Wallis. Mandare por fax la semana proxima entre jueves o viernes la carta de asignacion del Comite de Asignacion saludosMJB "
Next week will start with calling immigrations!
Paperwork!
Under His wings,
Anna
Friday, March 19, 2010
Two Bible verses to share tonight
Proverbs 25:25
Like cold water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land.
Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my saccloth and clothed me with JOY!
Let me just tell you,
in case you havent figured it out yet......
we got the awaited phone call.
"Im going to be a Mommy again"!!!!!!!!!
Thankful just doesnt quite do the whole bigness of what Im feeling justice.......
Just so you know.......
He heard my prayers.
Under His wings,
Anna
Like cold water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land.
Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my saccloth and clothed me with JOY!
Let me just tell you,
in case you havent figured it out yet......
we got the awaited phone call.
"Im going to be a Mommy again"!!!!!!!!!
Thankful just doesnt quite do the whole bigness of what Im feeling justice.......
Just so you know.......
He heard my prayers.
Under His wings,
Anna
Waiting and Walls part 2
Cramming it or building walls so everything looks "just right on the outside" isnt getting me very far.
weve said that.
To have moments of sheer terror because the grief is SO BIG and Im afraid if I let that wall down just a teeny tiny bit I will loose it completely. (I speak from experience) This adoption process has taught me a giref and another feeling that I cant name that run so deep that it scares me.
Really.
Just being honest here.
Almost like being scared of yourself.
So I have been staying home and just being still and quiet. (which also is a good thing because it keep me focused on God and what he is doing)
But mostly its Because I just dont know what will trigger it and it scares me.
It is changing me and changing my faith and I dont like change.(we discussed me knowing this and that its really okay.)
But, I want to know, "This is the end product. This is what its going to look like at the end."
Then I can say, "OH! Now I see. Now I trust you."
But that is not what faith is, is it?
The believing in the not seeing,
the Trusting because of Who HE is.
I woke up this morning hoping others handnt read it so I could just re-do.
Re word it so it isnt so raw,
so open.
What if it makes me look like Less than who I really am?
I dont like being vounerable and feeling exposed.
I dont like knowing there are ALOT of people watching this process and taking in how we are handling it and "Doing it". I dont want to mess up because I dont want my human- ness to take away from what God is doing.
But does me showing my human ness allow others to see just how much I need him.
How much of this has been Gods strength and not mine?
I hope so.
I hope my dashed dreams continue to point to Him.
I know hope comes in the morning. So I am waiting. We have been given shreds of hope.
I dont want to detract from what He is doing.
I dont want to fail him.
My life needs to matter.
My part of the story needs to say what He wants not what I want.......
I just dont want to mess it up.
weve said that.
To have moments of sheer terror because the grief is SO BIG and Im afraid if I let that wall down just a teeny tiny bit I will loose it completely. (I speak from experience) This adoption process has taught me a giref and another feeling that I cant name that run so deep that it scares me.
Really.
Just being honest here.
Almost like being scared of yourself.
So I have been staying home and just being still and quiet. (which also is a good thing because it keep me focused on God and what he is doing)
But mostly its Because I just dont know what will trigger it and it scares me.
It is changing me and changing my faith and I dont like change.(we discussed me knowing this and that its really okay.)
But, I want to know, "This is the end product. This is what its going to look like at the end."
Then I can say, "OH! Now I see. Now I trust you."
But that is not what faith is, is it?
The believing in the not seeing,
the Trusting because of Who HE is.
I woke up this morning hoping others handnt read it so I could just re-do.
Re word it so it isnt so raw,
so open.
What if it makes me look like Less than who I really am?
I dont like being vounerable and feeling exposed.
I dont like knowing there are ALOT of people watching this process and taking in how we are handling it and "Doing it". I dont want to mess up because I dont want my human- ness to take away from what God is doing.
But does me showing my human ness allow others to see just how much I need him.
How much of this has been Gods strength and not mine?
I hope so.
I hope my dashed dreams continue to point to Him.
I know hope comes in the morning. So I am waiting. We have been given shreds of hope.
I dont want to detract from what He is doing.
I dont want to fail him.
My life needs to matter.
My part of the story needs to say what He wants not what I want.......
I just dont want to mess it up.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Waiting
Just wanted to update my 4 "followers".
We got an update about little G from the Orphanage last night. SO very cute! I cant wait to get my hands on that cutie pie!(she loves clapping when she has accomplished something and blows kisses BTW and loves being outside! And Mary Poppins???? In spanish???)
The council was supposed to meet next Thursday the 25th.
Then we get an e-mail on Tuesday that they changed the meeting to THIS Thursday! I didnt have time to blog about it and just sent out a "please pray" plead to those on my e-mail.
So, we are waiting to hear news from Ecuador.
Did they meet?
Was her case discussed?
Did they sign on the dotted line.........
Those are the questions of the day.
I havent checked my e-mail as often as you would think because we had company. (Was a huge blessing. )
I taught at the DJJ facility on Wednesday afternoon and go back tomorrow afternoon. What a fun time with Hurting souls. I got to be "The Art Teacher". It was said in tones like a youngster would refer to the tooth fairy, Santa, or the Easter Bunny....... What an honor. To be chosen to teach hurting young men how to express themselves with color.... texture. Art. What could be better? I hope I dont feel so sick, anxious, on the way there tomorrow..... I WANT to make a difference. This life is about so much more than the ordinary, nothing is ordinary in God's hands. I might be going to teach about Art, History, color,
but I can also talk of important things,
" You matter."
" You can make a difference. "
"Im sorry you are hurting."
" I am sorry your father died and you didnt know how to express your feelings in healthy ways." "I hope you are learning how to be angry........"
Which gets me to thinking......
I am a 40-something and I am working on those things too.
Hard questions.
Hard answers.
Ive just typed out a list and want you to know that its long.
God knew it and,
well.....
just because I held the DELETE button down ........
it didnt go away,
really.
Ive been peeling some things back like an onion,
layers.
Just a little bit at a time.
Sometimes there are tears,
onions
and pain
Grief
and real anger( shall we be so bold to name it......)
have a way of doing that to me.
Dont make me FEEL.
Please dont make me be the one to be "out there".
In front of others,
My grief etched so vividly on my face.
I dont want your pity.
I dont want your "trying to be helpful words" Not if they are just words.
Its not helping.
We CANNOT and WILL NOT walk away.
Just saying.
So, fix it.
I CANT.
You (and you know who you are...... lover of my soul. Just FIX it. Get out that huge bottle of superglue, whatever, just fix it.)
I know,
It wouldve been better if I wouldve talked about all this BEFORE we found out the council was meeting earlier and possibly it would be the beginning of the end of this long and painful journey. I KNOW this was about more than just adopting little G. I get it! But I am having to FEEL it too!
I am angry at the messed up system, red tape, the eighteen months of empty promises and once again WANTING to hope. She is not the little baby I fell in love with and I am angry. I missed all that. (if you are reading this please dont feel like you need answers! I dont want them. Not meant to offend mind you.)
I KNOW.......... she is not the same
and most importantly
I AM NOT THE SAME!
That was the point!
I get it...... but I am human,
I had expectations and I am grieving for all that is lost.
And I have to keep grieving. Over and over.........
Just waiting.
We got an update about little G from the Orphanage last night. SO very cute! I cant wait to get my hands on that cutie pie!(she loves clapping when she has accomplished something and blows kisses BTW and loves being outside! And Mary Poppins???? In spanish???)
The council was supposed to meet next Thursday the 25th.
Then we get an e-mail on Tuesday that they changed the meeting to THIS Thursday! I didnt have time to blog about it and just sent out a "please pray" plead to those on my e-mail.
So, we are waiting to hear news from Ecuador.
Did they meet?
Was her case discussed?
Did they sign on the dotted line.........
Those are the questions of the day.
I havent checked my e-mail as often as you would think because we had company. (Was a huge blessing. )
I taught at the DJJ facility on Wednesday afternoon and go back tomorrow afternoon. What a fun time with Hurting souls. I got to be "The Art Teacher". It was said in tones like a youngster would refer to the tooth fairy, Santa, or the Easter Bunny....... What an honor. To be chosen to teach hurting young men how to express themselves with color.... texture. Art. What could be better? I hope I dont feel so sick, anxious, on the way there tomorrow..... I WANT to make a difference. This life is about so much more than the ordinary, nothing is ordinary in God's hands. I might be going to teach about Art, History, color,
but I can also talk of important things,
" You matter."
" You can make a difference. "
"Im sorry you are hurting."
" I am sorry your father died and you didnt know how to express your feelings in healthy ways." "I hope you are learning how to be angry........"
Which gets me to thinking......
I am a 40-something and I am working on those things too.
Hard questions.
Hard answers.
Ive just typed out a list and want you to know that its long.
God knew it and,
well.....
just because I held the DELETE button down ........
it didnt go away,
really.
Ive been peeling some things back like an onion,
layers.
Just a little bit at a time.
Sometimes there are tears,
onions
and pain
Grief
and real anger( shall we be so bold to name it......)
have a way of doing that to me.
Dont make me FEEL.
Please dont make me be the one to be "out there".
In front of others,
My grief etched so vividly on my face.
I dont want your pity.
I dont want your "trying to be helpful words" Not if they are just words.
Its not helping.
We CANNOT and WILL NOT walk away.
Just saying.
So, fix it.
I CANT.
You (and you know who you are...... lover of my soul. Just FIX it. Get out that huge bottle of superglue, whatever, just fix it.)
I know,
It wouldve been better if I wouldve talked about all this BEFORE we found out the council was meeting earlier and possibly it would be the beginning of the end of this long and painful journey. I KNOW this was about more than just adopting little G. I get it! But I am having to FEEL it too!
I am angry at the messed up system, red tape, the eighteen months of empty promises and once again WANTING to hope. She is not the little baby I fell in love with and I am angry. I missed all that. (if you are reading this please dont feel like you need answers! I dont want them. Not meant to offend mind you.)
I KNOW.......... she is not the same
and most importantly
I AM NOT THE SAME!
That was the point!
I get it...... but I am human,
I had expectations and I am grieving for all that is lost.
And I have to keep grieving. Over and over.........
Just waiting.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Happy birthday!
Today I am celebrating a life.
A man that I love so very much.
He has been my "experimental child". You think I jest?!
Not so..... I had never really been around boys.
Never loved a boy before.
" N" and I have learned so much together!
He turns twenty today.
I have tears in my eyes, well now rolling down my face as I think back over the past 20 years and nine months........
The day you entered this world you rocked mine......
God had his hand all over you that day and I am so thankful that He continues.
"Gift from God" we chose that name and had no idea how true it would be.
It could have been so different.
"N", what a blessing to be called your mother.
We are so much alike you and I.
You keep me on my toes and on my knees.
I feel like I have failed you in so many ways.
I pray that in spite of my human-ness that you find yourself.
The "you" God created you to be.
Not the "you" you think others want you to be,
not the "you" I want you to be
or your father
or any girlfriend.
Find the "you" deep within that is whispering your name and go for it!
Put on those running shoes my son and Run The Race set before you!
I know you can!
I believe in you!
You are beautiful (can I say that or do i have to say handsome?) both inside and out.
Dont settle for anthing other than what You know is right.
Its all between you and God.... just the two of you and no one else!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
This n That
I just have to share with you that I am so glad that Spring is here.
Its still cool. But I brought in a few daffodils last week and some of the trees are budding out. I keep cracking a window or two to let some fresh air in and love the sound of the birds singing and the sunlight pouring in.
I pray I never have such a dark winter again. It was cold, wet, rainy and dark.
Can you hear me without really talking about it?
I hope so.
I am emotional today.
I am thankful that
God
is
faithful
and
I can trust him.
He is not human.
I am hoping to have another quiet stay-at -home day today. I do have to go take care of daughters birds sometime but I am sure E will want to drive and we just need to make sure they have food and fresh water etc. No biggie.
Yesterday I ordered some Fels Naptha soap from here to try my hand at making home made laundry detergent. Thank you Elizabeth for reminding me! I also got a recipe for laundry soap esp. for cloth diapers and wraps.
Here it is in case you might want it:
Home made cloth diaper laundry Detergent
1 cup washing soda -Arm and Hammer
1 cup borax
1 cup dollar store "oxyclean"
Use: 1-2 Tbsp / load in a frontloader
Call me crazy but I am sad around the edges that they are potty training little G and they are hoping she will be trained by the time we get there. I had hoped that this last go around I would be able to experience it all. I do realize even if they are successful that she may regress once we get home etc. It will be such a transition for her. I was wondering yesterday if the things in her suitcase would fit. I probably shouldnt "go there" just yet. This picture is the first one we got of her. She was 2 and a half here.......... this my friend is who I fell in love with. My sweet little G.
I did share with the Yahoo Ecuador adopt group the news we had from last week. My mother and her mother have always been women to not speak ill about others. I aspire to be like that. I hesitated to share. But several families in country were having troubles with some of the documents needed so I thought Id let them know that might be the reason. (One of the head people was fired due to incompetence.) I think that a few of the families may have thrown parties last night upon hearing that information. She treated them horribly and needed to be fired a long time ago. So.... privately I celebrated on behalf of my fellow friends that were treated so injustly. I am praying that there is a replacement and that this new person is all that the other woman was not.......... kind, compassionate, and cares about finding homes for the little Orphans their country cannot place. I understand that international adoption shouldnt be the cure- all. These countries need to raise the next generations. But until there is a cure, a fix-all for the problem they need to be placed in loving families. One of the other families in the Yahoo group has been in the process for 3 years and they were matched with a little one last Fall only to be told "never mind. We didnt really sign off on your papers." Their little one is now 5. What a travesty! I WILL NOT have a pity party. We have been given hope. We have more than some other families have. Yesterday we were told that the good news last week was that our adoption WOULD be grandfathered into our agencies old accreditation. She is hoping that on the 25th- the next time the comittee meets (OR POSSIBLY SOONER!! if they hold a special meeting to just sign off on our papers) that our papers will get signed. That is what we are praying for so that it can be sent in.......... with our immigrations paperwork (that expired in December and will now need to be re-done.) The immigrations paperwork will take 3-4 weeks to process and then we will be off to Ecuador!
I am hoping to complete my first knitting pattern. Ive never written one on my own before. I am trying to copy an olympic hat. Lets see how it turns out. I also have my Dads socks on needles, the back of my sons sweater, and just bought yarn yesterday to start a scarf, shawlette for my mother in law. She taught me how to knit several times! Haha! Last time we visited she commented on how her neck gets cold at church from the AC. Her birthday is the end of the month....... I have a few patterns earmarked on Ravelry. One is an Estonian Lacework panel. Then I have a shell patterned lacework piece. I bought linen laceweight and hope that it will turn out nicely. I am itching to cast on but will MAKE myself get this hat done first and type the pattern out since a few people are waiting on me so they can try it. I am nervous because it isnt an exact replica of this!
Husband had ear surgery last week and went back to work on Monday. I had to get up and take him to the work car left in the pking lot so he could travel today. He had to be there by 6 and I am feeling the need for a nap already.( and thats with coffee in my system!)
I have had a phrase in my mind for a year now and yesterday had a vision for a T-shirt fundraiser. (using this phrase) I contacted our youth group director by e-mail and will see if its financially do-able. Ive been concerned that we might end up short with funds for our adoption and this would take some of the worry off my mind. Plus I know deep in the recesses of my mind that if, and thats a HUGE if, we end up with extra that I would love to adopt another child. At this point I figure, "whats one more?" I had checked into Bethany Adoptions and would LOVE to adopt an infant with or without special needs. The costs are prohibitive for us. Weve also checked into adopting/ fostering with the state but I dont think we would be able to adopt an infant. If I could have my"dream adoption" I would be able to adopt an infant and know in enough time to breastfeed. Just sayin'. I can dream big cant I???? Anyhow, back to the T-shirt idea. I am just wondering if it would work? I had also designed notecards, was going to print my watercolor paintings on blank notecards........ and bought the cardstock and envelopes but we were able to get the funds we needed without fundraisers.
But maybe I need to go ahead with the idea?Have any of you out there had any success with this or heard if these types of things are worthwhile?
Well here is my verse for today:
1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of him.
Praying for a miracle!
Under His wings,
Anna
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Book review Sunday
I have read three books this week. Two out of the three were just so good that I read them in one setting! I will start with those two and end with my least favorite.
" What your Son isnt telling you" By Michael Ross & Susie Shellenberger was a great book for parents of boys from 8 to well, over twenty. My oldest is twenty and I found some of the topics still applicable. I enjoyed that they reminded parents that teenage boys are NOT teenage girls and there is a biological reason its hard for them to discuss their feelings. They had copies of letters and e-mails they have received to show us exactly what is going on in our young mens minds and hearts. There were also ideas to start opening up the lines of communiation. I appreciate their willingness to tackle tough subjects. Some of the topics werent applicable to our situation since we have homeschooled but I appreciated it all since my boys are in the middle of church, 4H and have jobs in the real world. I know that we arent immune to those things. If youd like a "heads up" and some practical advice I highly reccomend this book!
The second book I read this week was "Homeschooling for the rest of us" by Sonya Haskins. This book was such an enjoyable read! If you know someone that is considering homeschooling or like us have been in the trenches for years this is a great choice! My family has homeschooled for 20 plus years and we are nearing the end of the journey- E will start dual enrolling this summer and be in 11th grade next year. I am not sure if we will homeschool little G once we get her home but this book even touches lightly on that topic. She is to be praised for giving Grace to all of us that are struggling with perfection. When I am out and about I do my best to represent the homeschool community in a good light. Both that doesnt allow others to see the inner struggles that we have. Since we are home all day pretty much every day our house gets pretty cluttered and even dirty in a hurry! If we know company is coming I do my best to make sure that no one sees our reality! She gives so many helpful hints, schedule ideas, and even has comments from other homeschool moms in the margins that really get the point across that we arent alone in our struggles. I cant wait to share this book with my sister- she is considering homeschooling their twin 5th graders next year now that they are stateside and in a state that ranks in the bottom of the heap when the school systems are evaluated.......
The last book I read was "The rewards of Simplicity" by Pam and Chuck D Pierce. I was so excited to see the topic of this book and couldnt wait to get my review copy. The book is filled with great scripture references and deep insight into simplicity. I was surprised to see that they didnt just deal with simplicity as a mindset that contradicts the "American dream" we are all being sold. But they also discuss a simplicity reguarding our faith. This book was written by a husband and wife team and both share on the topic. They discuss fasting both food and technology. I have already learned these principles and couldnt survive this fast paced life without my quiet time. I want to let you know that this was a good book. It re-emphasized many of the values I cling to in my life. I was sad that I just didnt enjoy the writing style of the wife. I kept wanting to skim over all the wordiness and "get to the point". Which is so very funny if you knew me you would know that I have to tell the WHOLE story and all of the details that I think "make the story." Sometimes my husband makes hand motions... you know the ones "get to the point". Drives me crazy! So I laugh at this. But that was my personal opinion and I have set that aside to not detract from the good message that was conveyed. Back in Jaunrary I wrote out the quote :
"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
-William Morris
I have been striving to go through each room in the house and clean every nook and cranny and get rid of things we arent using. Plus trying to not start new projects until the ones I have started are complete. This book touched on this and I found myself yearning for more.......
Well, off to knit and take some pics of my completed projects to list on my Ravelry page!!!
" What your Son isnt telling you" By Michael Ross & Susie Shellenberger was a great book for parents of boys from 8 to well, over twenty. My oldest is twenty and I found some of the topics still applicable. I enjoyed that they reminded parents that teenage boys are NOT teenage girls and there is a biological reason its hard for them to discuss their feelings. They had copies of letters and e-mails they have received to show us exactly what is going on in our young mens minds and hearts. There were also ideas to start opening up the lines of communiation. I appreciate their willingness to tackle tough subjects. Some of the topics werent applicable to our situation since we have homeschooled but I appreciated it all since my boys are in the middle of church, 4H and have jobs in the real world. I know that we arent immune to those things. If youd like a "heads up" and some practical advice I highly reccomend this book!
The second book I read this week was "Homeschooling for the rest of us" by Sonya Haskins. This book was such an enjoyable read! If you know someone that is considering homeschooling or like us have been in the trenches for years this is a great choice! My family has homeschooled for 20 plus years and we are nearing the end of the journey- E will start dual enrolling this summer and be in 11th grade next year. I am not sure if we will homeschool little G once we get her home but this book even touches lightly on that topic. She is to be praised for giving Grace to all of us that are struggling with perfection. When I am out and about I do my best to represent the homeschool community in a good light. Both that doesnt allow others to see the inner struggles that we have. Since we are home all day pretty much every day our house gets pretty cluttered and even dirty in a hurry! If we know company is coming I do my best to make sure that no one sees our reality! She gives so many helpful hints, schedule ideas, and even has comments from other homeschool moms in the margins that really get the point across that we arent alone in our struggles. I cant wait to share this book with my sister- she is considering homeschooling their twin 5th graders next year now that they are stateside and in a state that ranks in the bottom of the heap when the school systems are evaluated.......
The last book I read was "The rewards of Simplicity" by Pam and Chuck D Pierce. I was so excited to see the topic of this book and couldnt wait to get my review copy. The book is filled with great scripture references and deep insight into simplicity. I was surprised to see that they didnt just deal with simplicity as a mindset that contradicts the "American dream" we are all being sold. But they also discuss a simplicity reguarding our faith. This book was written by a husband and wife team and both share on the topic. They discuss fasting both food and technology. I have already learned these principles and couldnt survive this fast paced life without my quiet time. I want to let you know that this was a good book. It re-emphasized many of the values I cling to in my life. I was sad that I just didnt enjoy the writing style of the wife. I kept wanting to skim over all the wordiness and "get to the point". Which is so very funny if you knew me you would know that I have to tell the WHOLE story and all of the details that I think "make the story." Sometimes my husband makes hand motions... you know the ones "get to the point". Drives me crazy! So I laugh at this. But that was my personal opinion and I have set that aside to not detract from the good message that was conveyed. Back in Jaunrary I wrote out the quote :
"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
-William Morris
I have been striving to go through each room in the house and clean every nook and cranny and get rid of things we arent using. Plus trying to not start new projects until the ones I have started are complete. This book touched on this and I found myself yearning for more.......
Well, off to knit and take some pics of my completed projects to list on my Ravelry page!!!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Mountians are moving!!!!!
I am hesitant.......
because we have once been down this road, well we were told back in Spetember " the council will meet tomorrow and they are going to sign off on your adoption."
So,
with that said.
Our lawyer in Ecuador sent a message yesterday to our adoption agency "Good news reguarding the case of_________. Details to follow in an e-mail from______".
Husband said not to celebrate or talk to others about this, and well, he is right to not sound the alarm just yet. But my dear friends and prayer warriors! The mountians are moving. On Monday we were told that one of the people on the council that was giving us grief was let go from her position due to incompetence. That just blew me away. I just want you to know that we have been praying for those in power over these adoptions and we are not rejoicing that she was let go necessarily. We are just thankful that she cannot be a hindrance any longer!
We know that the council "grandfathering our case" into our adoption agencies old accreditation does happen but we were told that process ended last year. NO MORE grandfathering cases in. So we knew that we really are praying for a miracle. In the meantime our agency has met with another agency working on getting Ecuador Hague accreditation to see if they could take over our case.(the only agency accredited in the US said we would have to start from scratch and theyd be happy to give us a $500 discount on their $30K fees!) I have been so thankful that our adoption agency has been so willing to go the extra mile and fight for us. I know of others that were not given this attention. They were just told there was nothing anyone could do and left hanging. I feel guilt about this.
But this is about "little G"
I will not stop advocating on her behalf!
Please continue to praise God with us as he moves these mountians!
I am reminded of these verses:
Exodus 22:22-23
Psalm 72:12
Proverbs 21:13
still praying for a miracle!
Under His wings,
Anna
because we have once been down this road, well we were told back in Spetember " the council will meet tomorrow and they are going to sign off on your adoption."
So,
with that said.
Our lawyer in Ecuador sent a message yesterday to our adoption agency "Good news reguarding the case of_________. Details to follow in an e-mail from______".
Husband said not to celebrate or talk to others about this, and well, he is right to not sound the alarm just yet. But my dear friends and prayer warriors! The mountians are moving. On Monday we were told that one of the people on the council that was giving us grief was let go from her position due to incompetence. That just blew me away. I just want you to know that we have been praying for those in power over these adoptions and we are not rejoicing that she was let go necessarily. We are just thankful that she cannot be a hindrance any longer!
We know that the council "grandfathering our case" into our adoption agencies old accreditation does happen but we were told that process ended last year. NO MORE grandfathering cases in. So we knew that we really are praying for a miracle. In the meantime our agency has met with another agency working on getting Ecuador Hague accreditation to see if they could take over our case.(the only agency accredited in the US said we would have to start from scratch and theyd be happy to give us a $500 discount on their $30K fees!) I have been so thankful that our adoption agency has been so willing to go the extra mile and fight for us. I know of others that were not given this attention. They were just told there was nothing anyone could do and left hanging. I feel guilt about this.
But this is about "little G"
I will not stop advocating on her behalf!
Please continue to praise God with us as he moves these mountians!
I am reminded of these verses:
Exodus 22:22-23
Psalm 72:12
Proverbs 21:13
still praying for a miracle!
Under His wings,
Anna
Monday, March 1, 2010
SPRING?!
March..... I just cant believe the first of March is here! Ive been catching myself walking around humming "spring is coming..... spring is coming." Now if you havent heard this sweet song, not to worry, Im going to skip over to my music player and hunt it up.
If youve followed my blog. You will remember we got a grant from Show Hope- Stephen Curtis Chapman. This CD was sent to us as a sweet surprise a few months ago..... you know..... one of those "God hugs". The CD is very gripping. What has come out of the grief has so many beautiful layers that you will have to hear to know what I mean. The CD ends with this song and I just keep humming it.
On the way out the door for husbands surgery.... chick a dees singing in the dogwood tree. My heart smiled. I love birds. The bluebirds have been busy and yesterday as DH and I sat in our swing and enjoyed the afternoon two mocking birds landed in the tree next to us. God is surrounding us with the hope of Easter! The joy of a new season and new beginnings! After such a long cold winter we can shake off the gray- skied blanket and put away the sweaters and heavy coats..... I know I am getting ahead of myself. We will remain in the 30's in the eves this week and I know my parents have possibilities of snow tomorrow........ But it feels good to have hope and think of digging up the front garden and adding some color.( I really let the weeds get out of hand.) sigh......
Surgery went well and we are praying he is without hearing in that ear for only a few weeks. (Since hearing wasnt completely restored in the right ear- He was quite apprehensive about starting this one.) BUT the Cholesteotoma had to be removed. We get it out in the nick of time. The Dr said he could see through his "head bone" it had eroded away so much. Thankfully not all the way through!We need that healthy brain. Thank you very much! We had been praying that the bones in the ear would be fine. That was the big problem in the first ear, getting prosthetic bones in "just so" is not easy at all. We now have to consider hearing aid for that ear. They put packing in the ear to keep things from moving around with noise..... it will dissolve. I am hoping in 2-3 weeks but they give longer time frame. DH usually beats their time frame. Lets hope so this time...... as long as its Gods timing! ;)
We received the most interesting and exciting e-mail from our adoption agency. I cant wait to share how things are moving and changing. What might be Gods way of working things out in our adoption. DH had discussed backing out if things didnt move before the end of the month and boy oh boy the month ended with surprises! I knew God COULD but didnt know if he WOULD! I didnt want "me" to get in the way....... I am just so relieved and shocked! If I was to say"In like a Lion...... out like a lamb." What might that look like in our adoption journey? I am just thankful that I have rested "in Him" and have been enjoying such a sweet peace. Its so much easier this way! Dont you agree?????
Under His wings,
Anna
If youve followed my blog. You will remember we got a grant from Show Hope- Stephen Curtis Chapman. This CD was sent to us as a sweet surprise a few months ago..... you know..... one of those "God hugs". The CD is very gripping. What has come out of the grief has so many beautiful layers that you will have to hear to know what I mean. The CD ends with this song and I just keep humming it.
On the way out the door for husbands surgery.... chick a dees singing in the dogwood tree. My heart smiled. I love birds. The bluebirds have been busy and yesterday as DH and I sat in our swing and enjoyed the afternoon two mocking birds landed in the tree next to us. God is surrounding us with the hope of Easter! The joy of a new season and new beginnings! After such a long cold winter we can shake off the gray- skied blanket and put away the sweaters and heavy coats..... I know I am getting ahead of myself. We will remain in the 30's in the eves this week and I know my parents have possibilities of snow tomorrow........ But it feels good to have hope and think of digging up the front garden and adding some color.( I really let the weeds get out of hand.) sigh......
Surgery went well and we are praying he is without hearing in that ear for only a few weeks. (Since hearing wasnt completely restored in the right ear- He was quite apprehensive about starting this one.) BUT the Cholesteotoma had to be removed. We get it out in the nick of time. The Dr said he could see through his "head bone" it had eroded away so much. Thankfully not all the way through!We need that healthy brain. Thank you very much! We had been praying that the bones in the ear would be fine. That was the big problem in the first ear, getting prosthetic bones in "just so" is not easy at all. We now have to consider hearing aid for that ear. They put packing in the ear to keep things from moving around with noise..... it will dissolve. I am hoping in 2-3 weeks but they give longer time frame. DH usually beats their time frame. Lets hope so this time...... as long as its Gods timing! ;)
We received the most interesting and exciting e-mail from our adoption agency. I cant wait to share how things are moving and changing. What might be Gods way of working things out in our adoption. DH had discussed backing out if things didnt move before the end of the month and boy oh boy the month ended with surprises! I knew God COULD but didnt know if he WOULD! I didnt want "me" to get in the way....... I am just so relieved and shocked! If I was to say"In like a Lion...... out like a lamb." What might that look like in our adoption journey? I am just thankful that I have rested "in Him" and have been enjoying such a sweet peace. Its so much easier this way! Dont you agree?????
Under His wings,
Anna
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