Friday, March 19, 2010

Waiting and Walls part 2

Cramming it or building walls so everything looks "just right on the outside" isnt getting me very far.
weve said that.
To have moments of sheer terror because the grief is SO BIG and Im afraid if I let that wall down just a teeny tiny bit I will loose it completely. (I speak from experience) This adoption process has taught me a giref and another feeling that I cant name that run so deep that it scares me.
Just being honest here.
Almost like being scared of yourself.
So I have been staying home and just being still and quiet. (which also is a good thing because it keep me focused on God and what he is doing)
But mostly its Because I just dont know what will trigger it and it scares me.
It is changing me and changing my faith and I dont like change.(we discussed me knowing this and that its really okay.)
But, I want to know, "This is the end product. This is what its going to look like at the end."
Then I can say, "OH! Now I see. Now I trust you."
But that is not what faith is, is it?
The believing in the not seeing,
the Trusting because of Who HE is.

I woke up this morning hoping others handnt read it so I could just re-do.
Re word it so it isnt so raw,
so open.

What if it makes me look like Less than who I really am?

I dont like being vounerable and feeling exposed.
I dont like knowing there are ALOT of people watching this process and taking in how we are handling it and "Doing it". I dont want to mess up because I dont want my human- ness to take away from what God is doing.
But does me showing my human ness allow others to see just how much I need him.
How much of this has been Gods strength and not mine?
I hope so.
I hope my dashed dreams continue to point to Him.
I know hope comes in the morning. So I am waiting. We have been given shreds of hope.
I dont want to detract from what He is doing.
I dont want to fail him.
My life needs to matter.
My part of the story needs to say what He wants not what I want.......
I just dont want to mess it up.


  1. Amazing how much our feelings are sooo similar. I can completely relate to what you are saying. Thank YOU!

  2. Hi Anna,

    I know this grief. I sometimes wonder if I've allowed myself to grieve enough. It's okay. I believe God is calling on His people now more than ever to be genuine, sincere, transparent, and authentic. Even in your grief, and through your words, we can hear the desire you have to walk through this with HIM. I just keep praying for resolution to your situation and so many of my own as well. When we reached the point with our failed adoption of the twins that we knew we couldn't go any further, it was in a sense a relief, like we were released for whatever God had planned for us next. YES, we grieve the loss of those precious babies who carry the names WE gave them...but we know that God moved us on. I know you already know all of this...just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you sharing your heart so openly. It's refreshing to see other believes be real!

    Praying for you often,


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