Waiting

Just wanted to update my 4 "followers".
We got an update about little G from the Orphanage last night. SO very cute! I cant wait to get my hands on that cutie pie!(she loves clapping when she has accomplished something and blows kisses BTW and loves being outside! And Mary Poppins???? In spanish???)

The council was supposed to meet next Thursday the 25th.
Then we get an e-mail on Tuesday that they changed the meeting to THIS Thursday! I didnt have time to blog about it and just sent out a "please pray" plead to those on my e-mail.

So, we are waiting to hear news from Ecuador.
Did they meet?
Was her case discussed?
Did they sign on the dotted line.........

Those are the questions of the day.
I havent checked my e-mail as often as you would think because we had company. (Was a huge blessing. )

I taught at the DJJ facility on Wednesday afternoon and go back tomorrow afternoon. What a fun time with Hurting souls. I got to be "The Art Teacher". It was said in tones like a youngster would refer to the tooth fairy, Santa, or the Easter Bunny....... What an honor. To be chosen to teach hurting young men how to express themselves with color.... texture. Art. What could be better? I hope I dont feel so sick, anxious, on the way there tomorrow..... I WANT to make a difference. This life is about so much more than the ordinary, nothing is ordinary in God's hands. I might be going to teach about Art, History, color,

but I can also talk of important things,
" You matter."
" You can make a difference. "
"Im sorry you are hurting."
" I am sorry your father died and you didnt know how to express your feelings in healthy ways." "I hope you are learning how to be angry........"
Which gets me to thinking......

I am a 40-something and I am working on those things too.
Hard questions.
Hard answers.

Ive just typed out a list and want you to know that its long.
God knew it and,
well.....
just because I held the DELETE button down ........
it didnt go away,
really.

Ive been peeling some things back like an onion,
layers.
Just a little bit at a time.
Sometimes there are tears,
onions
and pain
Grief
and real anger( shall we be so bold to name it......)
have a way of doing that to me.
Dont make me FEEL.
Please dont make me be the one to be "out there".
In front of others,
My grief etched so vividly on my face.
I dont want your pity.
I dont want your "trying to be helpful words" Not if they are just words.
Its not helping.
We CANNOT and WILL NOT walk away.
Just saying.
So, fix it.
I CANT.
You (and you know who you are...... lover of my soul. Just FIX it. Get out that huge bottle of superglue, whatever, just fix it.)

I know,
It wouldve been better if I wouldve talked about all this BEFORE we found out the council was meeting earlier and possibly it would be the beginning of the end of this long and painful journey. I KNOW this was about more than just adopting little G. I get it! But I am having to FEEL it too!
I am angry at the messed up system, red tape, the eighteen months of empty promises and once again WANTING to hope. She is not the little baby I fell in love with and I am angry. I missed all that. (if you are reading this please dont feel like you need answers! I dont want them. Not meant to offend mind you.)
I KNOW.......... she is not the same
and most importantly
I AM NOT THE SAME!
That was the point!
I get it...... but I am human,
I had expectations and I am grieving for all that is lost.
And I have to keep grieving. Over and over.........
Just waiting.